"he is no more" .... "is it?"

" He is no more..." said the voice on the other end of the phone, I went numb for a while... didn't know how to respond and how to break the news to others. It took a while for the fact to sink in, they were talking about my grandfather 'nanaji' I used to address him that way. As any lucky kid who gets to spend the childhood with grandparents I too have been very close to mine. Looking at their lives I've always realized that they were different breed of human being, our generation is very different from what theirs used to be and I'm glad I happened to inculcate some value of theirs, I wouldn't say that made me a saint but definitely a better human being.
So, after a while when I finally grasped the reality and accepted it, I thought God wouldn't feel happy about it if I mourn too much for a full happy life that served the purpose it was meant to and knowing that the body was so much in pain and finally when the sufferings came to an end ain't I being selfish in wishing that it wouldn't have happened. Agreed that it's a loss for everyone in the family, agreed that he used to give us sense of security, but what about his pain, what about his sufferings, and all the efforts we made to drag it a little longer and little longer. Of course it's a human nature we give our best to things we want and we need, his body too might have fought, but lately I always used to have this feeling that his soul wanted to be freed. So, now I see him as a free soul happily going for a heavenly adobe and smiling at me, at all of us and blessing us abundantly.
I start recollecting things about him, and in retrospection I see him as an honest man who had only one religion and that was his duty. All he had done through out his life was work and fulfill responsibilities towards his family. There are random thoughts that come to my mind ...

•  he graduated from presidency college in erstwhile Calcutta during pre-independence era, when he was offered job at a government office his family ridiculed saying are we sort of money that we would slave ourselves for angrez so, he got into family business
• in my entire life I have never seen him making small talks with anyone
• never saw him going to temples, unless it was very necessary, he wasn't an atheist, first thing after waking up was chanting God's name, and looking at both his hands, that was it. I remember him telling me that he doesn't believe in going to temples he has got his God in his heart... 
• he was the one who used to give me my first English lessons " what are you going to have for your supper? " he would say and I would say 'dinner' :)
• he was a simple man but would prefer a crisp ironed coat but wear it with his dhoti
• the only indulgence he had was that he used to collect lottery tickets which we always found funny that he never won any 

there is no man without a fault, he too must have had some but none that i know of, and neither do I want to because it's always good to have an ideal example....so, there are hundreds of memories that I have of him , and since yesterday every moment a new memory comes up which I never even knew existed, and then I smile at the irony of words that they say "he is no more... " well, I find him in thousands of my memories and he will always be there for me forever...

dear diary.....

"Keep a diary. The biggest regret of my writing life is that I have never kept a journal or a diary."

Geoff Dyer

Recently i came across this quote and I so agree to it ! I remember there was a time when my diary was my best friend, it was at age of 13 that I started maintaining a diary and was pretty loyal to it, but with passing of time I guess 'world' happened to me... I was growing up, had a rat race to run and win, and all that took away those lofty dreams, those larger than life ideas, those fairy tale fantasies, slowly getting immersed into too much of practicality and worldly affairs I started feeling that life hardly had anything worth writing about it was more about coping up with day to day hustle-bustle and hence after 10 years with a slow fading character the habit came to an end. I was so very busy that I did not even have time to mourn over it.

 Now after few odd years of giving up writing a diary, when the major part of the rat race is over, life is a bit more settled as we might call it, I realize how much of a dull life it is.... I miss my diaries, I miss that enthusiasm I had about every little things of life that I used to write about, I miss those out of the world ideas which might have been stupid, but am sure if I would have pursued them with all the passion life would be a different story, I miss those fairy tale fantasies, somewhere deep inside I miss believing in fairy tales, it would be a little risky but if my belief was strong enough you never know life could have had a hint of fairy tale in it.

But then it's never too late is it? Fine I had given it up once but I've still got days ahead, life ahead, no matter how old I'm, no matter how much of time I've lost but I can always start, and I can always believe that there are always things in life worth writing about ! 

So, it goes to me as well as to you "keep a diary"  and record some moments of your life and your experience because your life, how so ever ordinary you may feel, always has something worth writing and rejoicing about :)

 picture courtesy: Google