sense n nonsense

heylo everyone (i.e. if anyone is reading this !)
so hows the holiday season goin or coming along (sounds better i guess)?
hope santa has filled your stockings well and hope you all are having hell of a gud time at verge of end of the year that is passing by and at the verge of begening of the year that is coming by....
it's party season all around, every one seems to be in the merry making mood, and that's kool (ya, that's the best adjective i could think of, that's really kool)
and why shall i not call it kool... it's winter, time to dine and wine, time to adorn some new jackets, and carry those lovely multicolored scarves and put on best shoes (forget not the dancing ones!)
ok ok am i sounding typically selfishly girlish or teenish??? i think so!
yeah, basically I'm a no fun person, now don't mistake me of being a dumbhead or gloomy face, i definitely am not that, i like to laugh (smile i wud rather say n prefer ) and have fun, but somehow my idea of fun differs.
now the different idea of having fun does make me a loner at times but am not complaining....
n hey that's my first resolution for the year
THOU SHALL NOT COMPLAIN !
not complaining actually solves a hell lot of problem and makes life way easier , no complaints, no pains! seriously, trust me, i've worked on that, when I don't complain I don't get irritated by ppl playing deaf to me, I don't get frusated about my words not being taken seriously, and I feel at peace for being so kool with all the mess around ,
so, you see, what if i'm not having any party on my calender for new year, what if i'm not going to be in  Sydney to see the fireworks at the midnight, or at London big ben to hear the bell ringing or atTimes square to kiss the guy standing next to me, or as a matter of fact going gaga in our very own Goa, i'm definitely not complaining.
 i'll be happy to sit by my window and sip my coffee and see new dawn breaking and sun rising up from behind those mountains and painting the sky red, and giving the message loud and clear that sky is the limit!
 hey that reminds me of a quote which i must share with u ppl....
“With every rising of the sun, Think of your life as just begun. The past has shrived and buried deep All yesterdays; there let them sleep. Concern yourself with but today, Woo it, and teach it to obey Your will and wish. Since time began Today has been the friend of man; But in his blindness and his sorrow, He looks to yesterday and tomorrow. You, and today! a soul sublime, And the great pregnant hour of time, With God himself to bind the twain! Go forth, I say—attain, attain! ”

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

so for now let me start wishing u ppl for a happy and hope-filled new year
i'll keep talking sense and nonsense  in the coming year too,
for now...it's...
ciao :)

Why LOVE ?

Last weekend, while waiting in the lobby of a hotel, my view was captured by a piece of art adorning the wall. There of course were many other paintings but this one happened to capture my attention and I knew that the reason was more than just the contrast being added to the pastel wall by this red colored canvas.


It was portrait of a lady and the title read ” LOVE” by rebecca khan. The title obviously was thought provoking, I wondered why ‘love’ ?

The entire canvas had the basic color of red, the face was painted red, and I thought “isn’t a red face equivalent to anger?”,even the expressions on her face supported my thoughts….. tightly sealed lips, a slight frowning of brows, a penetrating gaze, everything was suggestive of anger being the dominant expression on the canvass. Still there was somthing very charming about the potrait. No doubt, anger too can be charming at times, but there definitely was something charming in a lovable way, and while thinking that my eyes noticed the white flower in her hair and white pearls in her neck and they somehow explained it all…… perhaps to persuade his lady love and dissipate the anger, someone must have have put a flower in her hair and affectionately put the pearls around her neck……..and thus even though anger was the dominant expression but love became the dominant emotion and she definitely looked like someone’s LOVE !

NuMb

life is strange and stranger is human nature....


sometimes you are constantly at a war with your ownself, you keep swinging between the two ends between the two choices between the various moods, at one moment you feel happy, the very next you don't feel that way, and all for no reason!

you are amongst people, you are surrounded by a crowd, you look around, you like it all, there are people you like, the moment is good, everything seems perfect, but suddenly from some unknown corner a feeling comes and knocks you off, the feeling of numbness creeps in and rule!

what we can create together are .....waves....

you are water
i'm air
i'm too superficial
u r too deep

but still we together can make some waves.....

Is it GoD who's partial... or is it just Me who is lame and not-so-lucky...?

I, who has always believed that there exist a power beyond the comprehension of our materialistic attitude and limited intelligence, which controls the existence of each individual's world, am unable to decide the answer for my question..."is god being partial... or is it just me who is not being lucky enough?".
My faith has always been an unshakable one, that the man upstairs is fairest of all, there esixt no bias, no prejudices, no partiality in his domnion.
Then why am I having doubt now?
I have been feeling lost for quite a long now, I have been trying my best to find an answer to my questions for so long, now I feel totally drained, and I still don't have my answers. I have been crying for help, am sure he must have dropped hints as well as help,it must be the fault of my eyes to not have recognized them.
Then thinking that's because of my blurred perception that I could not pick his signs, I started parying for ingenuity, so that I could comprehend what he wanted to say in all hidden ways, but I failed again.
Earlier I used to hear him in my innerself, closing my eyes and letting myself hear my own self was the best method to get connected to him, now a days I can't anymore hear myself. All I can hear from within me is a cry for help, a sob for helpness, a crippled feeling of indesiciveness....I feel lost in all ways.
Reminds me of a very old song

ghayal man ka pagal panchi udne ko bekarar

pankh hai komal, aankh hai dhundhli,jana hai sagar paar

kaano me zara kah de

aaye kaun disha se hum

My dreams have vanished, and that's what I miss the most.... for a dreamer a like me, life holds no meaning without dreams.... all the experiences I've had, all the wisdom and the knowledge I've acquired, nothing helps, nothing gives a solution, there is no happiness, no feelings, all I feel is... plain numb !

But then throughout the little of whatsoever life I have lived,I've come to realize that, even when all my knowledge fails, my experiences rot, my mind gives up and my soul surrenders.... my faith somehow still survives.... and I recall this famous story:                                    

"Footprints in the sand"

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along

the beach with the Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,

one beloning to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life

there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the

very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most

troublesome times in my life there is

only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed you most

you would leave me."

The Lord replied "My precious, precious child,

I love you and would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffereing,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,

it was then that I carried you."

So, may be he is carrying me right now too, and I here am unnecessarily blaming him.... human nature you see is such ungrateful.... may be that's why you and me are mere mortal beings and he is GOD.

ps- if you are wondering why have I been writing all this here on a public platform.... it's just because, I am tired of writing all this in my diary, and may be God too has become techsavy like we people and he browses blogs mostly rather than personal diaries, so may be he someday will read this and answer to my prayers, and I ve heard he mostly answers through his children, so may be one fine morning I'll find his words coming from one of you... HALLELUJAH!



this is where I belong

As soon as I entre the magnamous and aged building crossing the grill gate, I say to myself "Gosh! I almost hate this place and what on earth am I doing here?"

"Do I really belong here?" I find myself wondering.
Crowded lobbies, noisy surrounding, not a trace of refinement and tranquility anywhere.
A strong smell hits me hard.... smell of sweat,filth,blood and flesh.... i find my stomach churning, I feel like throwing up, but i can't do it, I must not, as this is the place where I have to come day after day.
I have no escape, this my workplace after all !
A mixture of anger and guilt rises inside me for not liking the place.

I hurry towards the staircase of the dimly lit vast building. The stairs are too narrow, almost makes me claustrophobic at times, especially when the rush of people rises.

As I climb one floor to other, I see corridors full of people with varied expresssion, but mostly a gloomy one. The faces mostly are frowned, many a times the eyes have tears too, the foreheads show many wrinkles, and the lips mostly drooping down.

"How do I survive all this everyday?" I wonder.
Thinking all this I finally reach the upper most floor, 5th i.e., and as I cross the corridor and come to the main  hall, I find myself being greeted by a smiling face "Hello doctor", she says.
She seems very happy, few days back, when she had come to this hospital, she was almost blind, and now she can see my face very well, recognize me and above all, greet me with a smile... :)

And I definitely feel blessed.

What else would you feel when you come to know that you have helped bringing back the smile on a face which was showing signs of hopelessnes.

I feel ecstatic, and I find saying myself " I do love my work".

I join my proffessors and peers who are already there for the evening rounds, I finish the rounds, get the satisfaction that we have put in our best for each patient there, and then I go to the big window in the ward, I feel the breeze softly hitting my face, making me relaxed, I see the numerous stars twinkling in the sky, filling the heart with an unknown joy, and I find the big fat moon smiling at me, and I feel in heaven and I find  myself saying

"This is where I belong." :)

here I'm this is Me

Yes... here I'm...
I thought of eluding from my ownself....infact, I've been trying to do that for quite a while... but ...tsk tsk... didnot succeed.... and thankfully not, I guess.
I thought putting up a mask will help me be more true, and more me.....
but, somehow things aren't as easy as we always expect them to be.
I thought it was a good idea to hide behind the mask, and then talk to not only myself but to the world too, but sadly, neither did I find the world listening to me, nor did I myself paid any attention to my own words, and then I realized it's better to be myself and speak what I feel bravely, rather than try to camouflag myself and continue the act of cowrdice.
so, from now on I would try being true to myself.... the task seems very difficult but is there anything impossible for a willing soul?
least I can do is that I can try to be all things that I want to be .... atleast I will succeed at some, or least I'll go to bed with a satisfaction that i tried...:)

(this is for people who don't know who I'm... and this is for myself to affirm once again that I <3 me )

ps- call me narcist, I don't mind ! : p

live another day

i feel sad...
very....
i don't why
or may be i know...but can't express
life is such  damn mess
and i just keep making it mess-ier......
why can't it be simple?

i feel like crying...
but the stubborn tears won't roll down
that makes me more numb
damn, i want to cry out n aloud n let it all flow out... :(

i want it all to be a dream
and i want to wake up to a morning realizing that it's all gone
but it wont happen that way
i know, it won't

i'll ve to face my ghosts
i'll ve to fight my demons
i'll ve to keep the faith
i'll ve to live another day

raining memories......

The  sky, at times, along with rain pours down memories too....

like it's pouring right now.... the sound of rain is tearing apart the silence of the serene evening... and it's definitely flooding memories in my mind........ I think of many things some forgotten ones and some not forgotten ones, some seem to be at quite a distance... either they look vague or it might be my vision which is disturbed, and then there are some which are crystal clear, I feel I can almost touch the moment...

here are somthing I'm thinking of....

a tiny li'l girl in yellow frock and shabby hair, kneeling there on the veranda of her grandma's house and trying to make a boat out of the freshly torn page of her notebook,a boat that would row in the small stream flowing in the backyard by the virtue of the heavy rain. so the boat is finally  ready, it's a li'l hunched like the childish handwriting of hers on the paper and she frowns on the idea that it won't flow now.... but bingoooo!!! the boat really does exceptionally well despite being jittery...:D

 ( an after thought- though the girl grew up but her handwriting remains the same.... hunched and childish...:( and paper boats have become a luxury...  )

a girl, fresh in her teens, looks out from the window of her classroom, simply forgetting that there exist a subject called mathematics,which is being taught right now, and she gets lost in the nostalgia of the rainy afternoon and wait.... did she just see that guy with specs, sitting there on the 2nd row of her class, standing out there in rain and smiling at her..... she looks towards the 2nd row.... no he is engrossed in maths...:) (cupid's first arrow gives the most silliest and cutest feeling to anyone in the world...that's a universal truth!!! )

a girl runs wildly behind a guy in one of the most busy streets of the city under the pouring sky, half praying that it be 'him', and half praying that he should not be 'him'.... and at last just to find that it was not him, and she silently thanks heaven for the rain coz she is so ashamed to show her tears to the world

( love and happiness obviously are not synonymous.... wonder what makes us take so long to understand such a simple thing *sigh* )

a bunch of carefree lasses get out on the field adjoining their hostel to pick up the stones that were just thrown down from the sky along with the rain.... and it starts pouring once again.... and these euphoric souls dance there in the rain, without caring about anything else in the world, without any audience,without any music...afterall not always one needs music to dance : p 

( the joys of friendship can come in any form , in any way, there simply isn't any measure or rule for it :) )

a girl and a boy sit together on the stairs and hear the sky pouring it's heart out, hardly it rains the way it is raining now, and perhaps both of them are thinking the same thing silently.... this is their first rainy season together in fact their first ever season together, and it's perhaps their last rain together too :)... they click a pic... both a li'l wet ... a li'l sad... yet smiling a lot .... there is nothing to say, nothing to ask for, nothing to promise, nothing to forget, nothing to look forward to... they still are laughing at each others silly jokes and talking about tomorrow which they know are separate ones for them.... at last they shake hand and manage a gudbye ...though eyes are a li'l wet and heart a li'l heavy... but, for some reason there is a warmth in the heart and a smile on the face...

 (sometimes it's better to smile and thank god for all that he has given, rather than to frown and ask him for what he has not given :) )

it's raining outside, it's the darkest hour of the night and those eyes still lay awake..... sleep just won't come... and then the memories capture the place of dreams..... she starts thinks of all the good times, and those not so good ones too, she recalls each of her mistakes, she fears her future and she wishes that life was a li'l less a mess than it is now.... the thunders are striking each and every chord of her heart and soul.... and all the painful ones... she looks up just to see if God is looking back at her ... and she cries..... she cries like never before........( why do we keep forgetting one simple rule of nature... the darkest hours are the one before the dawn )

Impossible?....no, I'm- possible :)

Why does being a second generation has to be such a headache... the pressure of legacy is sometimes too difficult to handle. Especially at times when in most of the cases the second generations fail to live up to the expectations and match the huge shadow of their antecedents. Though for the world, apparently, being a second genration or being one of the subsequent generations is such a lofty idea, most of the time there is this prejudice that everything comes easily, well orginized on a platter for those like us who belong to that particular group, but, only we know how difficult it becomes to do justice to that platter and how impossible it becomes to please the world (which of course isn't very receptive of new and is always reluctant to get the old overshadowed). So, I see in front of me an immensely difficult time in matching up the expectations and getting out of the shadow to create my own niche, but I'm determined and god willing I someday will. It might be difficult but it's not impossible. and as R H Schuller says... I'M-POSSIBLE :)

changed picture!

now it's a changed picture, coz I'm working on a changed ME...
but, it seems so damn difficult, the ME doesn't change easily, and I hate her for that, she keeps clinging to her old good self, while I want her to be really really mean and bad!
so, I got a gothic type of picture clicked, so that she would start feeling those horns and loose those faint rims (of course I don't claim her to be that saint to have a halo... but I do sometimes see those secretive faint rims around her trying to reach the perfection of halos)
but even this gothica type of pic isn't helping her....
oh...if I only could teach her.... THE ART OF BEING BAD !!!
and why do I need to be bad... oh I ve got hundreds and thousands of reasons....
- I want to be bad so that I would able to shout at ppl
- I want to be bad so that I can occasionally punch them too
- I want to be bad so that I can stop caring about this entire world
- I want to be bad so that I wouldnot miss those ppl who don't miss me :(
-

On A Woman's Mind....

What women want?


Has there been a tougher question than this one ? Especially for the the so called stronger gender? Very often I see this question popping out from men's mouth accompanied by all possible form of expressions that is known to to the man kind.

A frustrated "what do women want?", an awed "what women want?" , a loved "what women want?", a bewildered "what women want?" and sometimes a very genuine "what do women want?"

Too difficult a question, huh?

In fact, I too never had thought of it, till today when I asked my inner self, "what do I want?"

I had a doubt when I read this question for the first time, as to, will I have an answer, but surprisingly when I placed the question to myself, I was quite quick. Though, not very confident initially, but, when I analyzed my answer it came out to be so very true, at least for me!

So, what women want?

According to me, Love and Loyalty would sum up the entire answer.

Now, I know, at first look people would hardly agree to me, because apparently the needs may vary according to age, society, relationship and individual nature. Obviously you can't expect a thirteen old, a thirty year old and a sixty year old to have similar things on mind, or , a daughter, a wife or a mother to have similar expectations. But, that is what the beauty of these two words, love and loyalty is, that when seen in a broader sense these two things would be able to sum up everything. Well, I'm not counting materialistic things over here, for the simple reason that they are secondary, and when the primary needs are handled well secondaries either just follow them or become insignificant in their own ways.

Coming back to Love and Loyalty, how would these two words represent an entire array of needs and desires a woman's mind possesses, despite the differences of age, society and individuality?

Well, first lets see it relationship wise, love is all what a daughter, a sister,a friend, a lover, a wife and a mother a wants from her respective relations. Love in itself is such a vast emotion that it includes everything, be it understanding, care,respect, sympathy, friendship,or any other positive emotion, love can definitely act as a mother of all other positive emotions. So, the other person ,irrespective of whatever role he/she is playing in a woman's life, when loves a woman, he or she will obviously try his/her best to understand her, will have respect for her, will look after her needs and care for her in the best possible way. And the loyalty would make the person have faith in her and stand by her side through thick and thin, for better and for worse. These two things will give her everything, the love she can't do without, the security she needs, the freedom she desires for, and at the same time the rock strong support she silently wishes for. What else would a woman, or, as a matter of fact, any other living being on the earth would want?

Interestingly, these are the two things a woman wants from her own self too. A little bit of love for everything that her wonderful self is, and loyalty towards her own dreams that she carries in those starry eyes, in her soft heart, on that strong mind and within that accomplished soul.

this post is for the competition at the www.blogadda.com, sponsered by www.pringoo.com

crowncoffee
celebrating womanhood

moments & memories

it's a fond feeling to be woken up by the dreams of a place from past where you would like to be at, of people you would love to be with,and of a person you would like to be as....
 moments leave ....memories linger...

just a thought

As I feel lost and defeated today, I'm sure that the feeling won't remain this way forever.

Some day, somewhere, at some point of time, I'll close my eyes, smile, and say to myself- it was all worth :)

home-run

With that home-run for which the entire crowd applauded, he swinged the bat in the air, a lock of his big brown curls came forward carelessly on his forehead and with a smile of triumph he looked towards her direction. Her heart definitely missed a beat with that smile, that 'oh so very heart melting' smile. His smiling at her had made some onlookers look at her too, and the girl sitting by her side asked her, "is he yours?" and she answered very eagerly without being able to hide her pride "yes". Along with that 'yes' soaked in pride came a very disturbing feeling, something similar to insecurity. She noticed, how easily he was able to capture all those femme attentions. Thus, there came a pang of jealousy, what if tomorrow there comes another woman in his life, and he simply forgets her. The thought was too scary to give a continuation.


Till date she has been the only one to have all his attentions, only she has been the center of his world, as he has been hers, she thought to herself. She could so vividly recall the day when he entered her life and instantly changed the very meaning of her existence, that undoubtedly was one of the happiest day of her life. Her ears could still recall his voice when he addressed her for the very first time, has there ever been a voice sweeter n more genuine than that one, she found herself questioning silently. And of course how could she ever forget their first walk together,hand in hand, she simply smiled recalling how tenaciously she had clutched his palm in hers, as if, if she loosened the grip then he would be lost. Today when he is getting all the attentions of the world, how long would she be able to sustain that grip, how long would she be able to keep him all for herself, she knew somewhere down her heart that the answer was "not for too long". With every passing day,she will have to loosen the grip slowly and let him go, but at the same time she knew that there existed a bond so strong so special that it will always make him hers.

Lost in her thoughts, when she finally came out of her trance she noticed that the Sun was already gone, twilight spread all over, the game had ended, the crowd of the park much thinner now, the players though were still there on the ground, busy discussing there wins and losses. She walked towards them, there he stood with his back facing her,she patted on his shoulders "honey time to go home"...... "momma did you see my home run?" chuckled the 5 year old with excitement rushing through his voice.....and then his endless stories about the game continued as both of them holding hands walked towards home....he making her almost run....a HOMERUN???

happy mother's day :)

the post i know isn't a great one, but it's just a small attempt of mine to imagine the insecurities and worries of a mother. how possesive we all are about our stuffs, be it the emotional ones or even the materialistic ones, but do we ever think how difficult it's for a mother, to simply let her most precious possesion belong to the world. a life which she creates and brings to the world, she slowly lets it go, loosening all the strings of her possesiveness, she lets that life have his/her own world, and lets the world have that one life which means a world to her.

the message of the flower - snapdragon

well, if you are thinking as to what made me think about this not so common flower, then it's simply because, my kitchen garden now a days is filled with snap dragon of various colors. so, lets see what Ruskin has to say about Snapdragon

"SNAPDRAGON-   your seet scent fills in the air and draws me to you;  

 i would follow you anywhere  "   

                                                                           

so much like the intoxicating scent of love, which just bewitches one in such a way that one has no option left other than to follow it anywhere.....

Insurmountable Mountains

I stand all alone at this point, and look around myself. All I see in this orange light of the setting Sun, are high mountains surrounding me. Look at those mountains, they are so huge that even the Sun can hide itself behind them. Valleys are of course meant to be surrounded by mountains from all the sides, and that's the beauty of it, but at times it feels as if they are being barriers. And now a days somehow those 'at times' come very frequently. Not a good sign I guess. I look upon those insurmountable mountains, magnanimous and unvanquishable, I wonder, if I would ever be able to get beyond them. It seems impossible ! But then haven't I learnt in one of my most precious lessons of life that 'Impossible' is just 'I'm possible' spelled shabbily. So, why worry, and why fear, I can't afford to loose the battle even before it begins, by letting the paralyzing emotions like fear and negativity creep in. I'll work upon it, I'll find a way or else I'll make one, either a road, or a tunnel, or  I can even fly across...... the mountains no longer would be insurmountable. I'll return tomorrow again to this same point, again in the orange light, but not of the setting Sun, but of a rising a Sun, when the Sun will mount upon those high mountains, and rise well above them..... making them seem so inferior and so surmountable.

p.s.- my fav. qote from the Bible- "If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, move, and nothing shall be impossible to you. "

sounds of silence.......

His voice was terrible, his tune even worse, yet somehow the song sounded as the most romantic thing she had heard in a long time.... she giggled, she had given up after continously trying to make him since he started .So, finally when he finished the long forgotten melody in not so melodious voice of his, she honored him with a soft clap. And both of them laughed like kids. A hearty whole laugh, after such an ages, noticed Zen without wanting to notice.

The night was beautiful, the earth lit up by almost a full moon, the breeze neither too harsh, nor too soft, in fact good enough to soothe a soul and at the same time capable enough to send a chill down the spine. Was it the night and the ambience or the person sitting next to her on that wooden bench, what's been making her feel so alive, she wondered. It actually had been a good idea, to agree with Ross, to come to the park after the dinner, Zen affirmed to herself once more. She was lost in her thoughts, when she did not marked that Ross has been observing her so closely, she became cautious. She wondered if he counted all those lines of ages she now had on her face that once used to be so full and fair, she felt a little nervous about the white streaks that now dominated her so once so famous hazel colored hair. Women at any age would be equally cautious of their appearance, she crossly thought. But, Ross too had travel through the time as much as she has, she realized with a relief as well as with a little pang of pain. Ross in fact hardly had any black left on his hair, the specs weren't there before to cover those gleaming eyes which had the child like innocence in them, that well toned body of his was now substituted with a softer and round form, things that time snatches away so mercilessly... she sighed. Her sigh immediately brought a question in Ross' eyes, which were now directly looking into Zen's. And the next moment he got his answer, this is how it has been for them, always, the silence has been way more powerful than the vocals. And why not, after all they shared so many silent things, a silent understanding, a silent love, a silent pain. And the irony was that they were still not sure whether to regret the silence or rejoice it.

Ross and Zen, they shared the best chemistry on stage and off the stage too. Those drama classes in the college were where they had met for the first time, and they instantly got along with each other. It was like, as if, there never existed a time when they had not known each other, even they did not know what that magic was. For every onlooker, it might have been a thing as simple as love, but is love really simple? Ross and Zen themselves could not figure out what it was, or may be they never tried too. They were too happy with whatever it was, and for them it was so very special that they did not want to spoil it, not even at the cost of losing their love. Yes, love, both of them somewhere had this word on their mind, but at the same time they also knew that, it was a love they could not afford.So, why spoil it all by letting it out, wasn't a silent love which shall always be cherished and treasured, much more special than a love which when expressed might fade like the sound of those spoken words. So, instead of letting themselves speak out their heart they chose the silence, that till date prevails.

 Till date the sound of silence dominates, even after forty years of their parting ways, when they bumped into each other accidently in this old age home today morning, when Zen's son had come to get his widow mother admitted here, and she was introduced to the monitor of that wing of the building,an old man who had no one in this world to call his own,Ross, and they acknowledged each other with a silent smile which surpassed the sounds of all the expressions of the world.....:)

things to try before I die.......

I'm an ardent fan of Travel & Living, the major share of the time I spend on the idiot box goes to this very channel. They keep repeating this program, '100 things to try before you die', and the title always makes me ponder upon my own list of things I would like to try before I wave the final gudbye.
Well, I'm very sure the list would undergo various modifictaions by the time i reach the death bed, but for now before i retire for the bed tonight, what would the five things I would like to try at this very moment, before saying goodbye to this day of life which obviously won't ever return. So, here goes the list ..... and let me make it very clear I'm not an sporty soul, so there won't be any bungee jumping, or wild raftings.

1) Would love to take a stroll in the streets of the most romantic city in world, Paris of course I'm talking about,  all alone with just my thoughts of those wonderful people and emotions that make my life so lovely. Rediscovering the romanticism in me...... J'adore Paris!!!

2) Would really like to get drunk and pass out completely (yes, you did read it write, I've never been drunk before). An attempt to forget myself for a moment, if I can!

3) Would like to go on a date with someone who would sing Elvis Costello's 'SHE' for me.... *wishful sigh* (c'mon every girl has a right to feel like Julia Roberts at least once in a life time !)

4) Would like to simply sit under the sky, with a friend and go on mindlessly blabbering  about everything and anything that exists under the moon, till the moon finally makes a way for the sun.... :)

5) Would like to be at the banks of Ganges in Varanasi and observe how faith trascends the mortal limitations and merges with the supremacy. Searching for my own personal Enlightenment .

the message of the flower

Well, this column is not my creation, the title itself comes from Mr. Ruskin Bond, who has beautifully described the message each flower gives. I found that piece very beautiful, so, thought, why not share?

I'll be quoting about one flower each week...
So, to begin with we must start with Roses.... talk of flowers and who else will lead other than Roses?

"ROSES- Of roses there are many kinds-

                 The moss, the musk, the eglantine;

                 Roses speak of faithfullness,

                 The res rose of voluptuousness."

The Make-Over

Well, those few of you, who occasionally stumble upon this relatively invisible blog of mine, must have noticed by now, that the page has gone a make-over. No great reason behind it,other than a need I felt, for going for a make-over my entire self. Ah, not look wise, in that sphere I'm quite content by the way the ingenious engineer sitting up there designed me ( though other people might not agree with me, in fact i remember my mom suggesting me once to go for a nose job !, but nevertheless am happy with it, not everyone on the earth be Cleopatra or say Elizabeth taylor, Penelope Cruz or our very own Aishwarya Rai, or else they too would loose their value, isn't it?) Anyway, now am getting too carried away I guess. So, looks aren't my concern right now, the thing I really want right now is a make-over on mental and emotional front. Well, I don't have an ugly soul for sure, or a dirty mind, but somewhere amidst this fast paced world, in order to adapt and survive, I feel I've been loosing myself. I guess, this happens to all of us, at some or the other point of time. Let me make it very clear, I'm not talking about changes, I completely agree with Bhagvad Gita when it states that "change is the rule of nature", so, I find it very natural for people to change with time and according to circumstances, and sometimes even without any apparent reason. But there stands a thin line between 'change' and 'loss', at least when we are talking about abstract aspects of life and not the materialistic world, and many a times we tend to cross the line without much of notice. Lately I've realized that I too have been crossing that line very conviniently and unobtrusively, loosing parts of me all the way, rather than just modifying myself for the sake of adaptation. And one day, all of sudden, when I look into the mirror i start wonder who the camouflaged being in the mirror is. Don't know where exactly and when did it happen, but i surely have lost parts of me, parts of me which were dear and most importantly they constituted to the real ME . So, now i want to make-up for that, and on a whole I want a  make-over.

The entire idea is, to retrieve my true old self and blend it with the new and the good things that I've learnt along the way. For eg, I feel I used to be such an innocent should when a kid (all of us were), and now the process of growing up has snatched away that innocent streak and rendered me a little too much worldly and selfish, and now i dislike myselft for being this way, and i would like to have some old part of me again within me. So, retrieving my old self doesn't mean that I will start unlearning the things I've learnt while growing up, or I'll erase my memories and experiences, that's not possible. But there is something i can do..... I can weed out the negatives that I've come across, I can wash out the dirt  that has settled upon my nature, I can airbrush the blemishes I've inculcated through out the journey and that even if doesn't give me back my original self, will at least give me a proper reflection of my pure self and I'll be happy. Then to that reflection of the real 'me', I'll do some making up. Makeup with my new experiences, my ever growing knowledge, my new skills, and then add a dash of those special qualities that God has blessed me with ( he does that for everyone of us), and then the result will be a new 'me' with the same good old core.
So, the make-over is complete, tomorrow will be a new day, a new 'me', who would be changed but not lost. There will be a new spirit and a new confidence to face the world, and a new outlook towards life, and for the world, there will be a better ME...:)

 
p.s.- it wasn't for no reason that a great personality said "everything alters me, but nothing changes me"

an unfulfilled wish....

Life always can't move in the direction we want it to, and sometimes it's good that it doesn't . Afterall,we aren't always good at forseeing things in the right way, are we? So, sometimes I just give up and let my wishes go unfulfilled, thinking that may be it's the best fate for them to remain this way.

All that we wish for isn't meant for us to have,some wishes better remain unfulfilled. They are meant to be treasured in our heart safely, and the sweet bitter pain they cause once in a while is worth savouring. Not always the beauty lies in acheiving, sometimes it also is beatiful enough to just feel.The feeling itself is so warm and fulfilling that we won't need any further addition to that.

You know what's the charm of an unfulfilled wish???....

When a wish doesn't come true, it doesn't come to an end, unlike all other good things in life. It remains there. It remains there, in our heart as a wish.... which, we sometimes sigh upon, sometimes smile upon, and at times cry upon. It's one of the most loyal things we come across in life, very few things in life fulfill the promise "till death do we part"..... a longing wish fulfills that promise beautifully. It remains there close to our heart like the sacred cross and faithfully accompanies us to the grave.

An Unfulfilled Wish....

simple joys of life....

Sometimes I simply wonder at these simple joys of life. It's amazing how these small things have the dexterity to fill life with simple unadulterated pleasures. Ah the simple things of life.....!

Simple things like a morning dream which just doesn't let you open your eyes. Even if your mind rings the alarm, and your subconscious mind which was the source of the dream finishes the night duty and goes for a nap, you forcefully shut your eyes and wish the dream to continue for a little more time. At times your fully conscious mind even manages to imagine a sequel to the dream, and at last when you reluctantly lift your lids with a smile on your face, you find the morning to be one of the most beautiful ones.

Wonders these mysterious phenomenon called dreams can do.....all of sudden they can bring in your vision a face from a fading memory, which you haven't seen for months, or sometimes even years. And now it's so vividly in front of your eyes, you can notice the minutest details, the shine in those eyes, the tilt of those lips, that tiny scar on the brow, you can hear your name being called in that particular voice again, and sometimes you can even smell the so very familiar intoxicating smell which many a times you have consciously craved for but never found a similar one. You enjoy every bit of it, you cherish every moment, you savour the beauty of that dream.

Who would like all this to end? but all good things have to come to an end.... but they leave us with a renewed memory of moments which actually never existed but still were capable enough to beautify your morning ....:)

exam fever again !

One morning you wake up and realize that you have two weeks to go to execute your idea and turn your imagination into a reality, what are you suppose to do then?

Well.... i personally remind myself about one the quotes of Swami Vivekanada "Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success" ( what an idea sirji !) So, basically that is what I'm up to now a days. Though the commitment of that intensity is difficult to attain, and personally I at times am very poor in keeping the commitments, but least I can do is give my best shot, they don't say it without any reason that "reach for the stars, so if you fall, you may land on a cloud" and I tell you, cloud no. 9 isn't a bad place to be on, isn't it?

So, the entire life of mine has been just a series of examinations,( i think everyone's is that way some or the other sort of exam), one after another and another one after one....it's a vicious cycle, but then I must agree that there is a thrill in it ( human nature you know.... always finds a thrill in danger and in pains too at times). Every time it approaches you, it spills a sort of nervousness around you, then at times it gives you those wonderful 'adrenaline rushes', where you burn with an idea, the fire within you rises high and you are ready to get consumed and give your life and soul to it. Then at times it may be a little depressing too. So, basically it brings all sorts of emotions and makes you feel alive and kicking ( that's how I'm feeling right now)

So, time to get back to the idea and work on it.

Trying times will come and go.They come with a hope that, on the other side of this bridge lies the most cherished victory, and they leave us with an experience, good or bad, the adjective doesn't count as much in the long run as the word 'experience' itself counts.

So today when I again face one of those trying times and the going the gets tough, I think of the sweet taste of victory, the satisfaction of a proper try, the valuable lessons of defeat, and the most worthy of all things the experience itself, which will make me stronger and wiser and give me the satisfaction that I've lived it all well.

Someday, somewhere, at some point of time I'll close my eyes and say to myself it was all worth it.

 sitaron se aage jahan aur bhi hain, abhi ishq ke imtehaan aur bhi hain...

the moon's love story

So, the diamond ring has been the talk of the town for a while, it seems. But have you ever wondered about the story behind the diamond ring? Of course everyone knows the scientific theories of eclipse, but have you ever heard the love story behind this ring….ok let me take the pleasure of narrating it here.
The moon, which is an indispensable part of romanticism, the very epitome of love, which has been an object of admiration for all the love stricken people since time unknown, has got a love story of its own, an interesting one in fact.
Now guess who is the lucky lover of this mystique beauty….. Of course the sun ! Wondering …. how can it be the sun, after all you never spot them together. But , next time when you go out in the day light, look around the sky, in some corner you may find the moon totally lost in the sun’s light. Yes, this is how the day starts for the moon….as the sun rises to it’s prominence and enlightens the world, the moon seems to be fading away, but is it really fading away? Actually the moon is getting submerged in the love of its lover. The moon surrenders itself completely to its love and such intense this selfless surrender is that there comes a moment when the moon loses its identity completely. Just imagine the bliss of such a relationship where a person lets go ones identity, all its love, all its self for the sake of love. Imagine the audacity of giving away every ounce of itself , and just look at the ease with which the moon does it.
So, through out the day the moon is completely immersed in its lover’s light, their love mingling, up in the heavenly azure. But as we know, when has the course of true love ever run smooth? So, how can this story be spared?

As the dusk succeeds the day, the sun start disappearing, the time has come, to let the love go, the moon will have to face the dark night all alone… the long dark night.

The sun before leaving makes the moon promise that however tough the time may be, how so ever dark the night may turn out to be but the moon will face every second of the darkness without losing the faith in love. The sun leaves, and moon absorbs its love and enlighten it self with the sun’s light. As the night grows darker, the moon grows brighter. Though not together, but the sun’s light never leaves the moon for a single moment. It’s the sun’s love which makes the moon radiate so beautifully that even those thousand times bigger stars seem to be so inferior.
So, there in the night stands the lonely lover longing to meet its love, and the irony is, here on earth, people like you and me look up at the moon, and give a wishful sigh thinking about our loved ones.

Moon itself is burning up there, but gives comfort to those lonely longing pair of eyes, who looking up at the moon console themselves with the fact that at some other corner of the world another pair of eyes that they love, too are looking up at the moon. So, there in that long dark night the bruised moon keeps healing those lonely hearts on the earth with a hope that ultimately there will be a dawn and the sun will rise once again, embracing the moon once again. And slowly the dawn breaks…… you see the orange flames of love burning in the sun…. and the moon is ready to be consumed once again into the eternity of love. Once again the day brightens and the love smiles :)

So, next time when you see the moon, recall this story for a moment and remember that,however lonely and dark the night may be, but there definitely comes a morning, every dusk is ultimately succeeded by a dazzling dawn. So keep up your faith alive and hold on to your love.

ps: and an eclipse is one of those lucky days when we can spot those two lovers together, in fact very much together, it’s their date… when the sun presents the moon with that dazzling diamond ring :)

the winter rain

There are very few things more haunting yet more romantic than a winter rain.
It’s always a stirring experience.

I sit by my window and see those dark clouds descending down the high mountains into the valley….. like the brave warriors marching forward with valor, with thunders and lightening as their weapons, they soon conquer the sky, the mighty sun too surrenders and is curtailed.....a sunny afternoon soon turns into a gloomy scene. The wind accompanying the clouds is fiercely cold and strong. It shakes the denuded branches of  brazen trees. There seems to be a desperation in the stir, seems as if the juddering trees are pleading the clouds to break down heavily and drench the earth, so that the buds will sprout again, the leaves in their nascent green will decorate the trees once again, and once again it will lead a way for the spring.

As i look upon the sight outside, the glass of my window too is being shaken by the wind, the breeze is turning the pages of my diary which lies open on the table by the window side, the cup of coffee has lost it effervescence and my un-capped pen rolls over the table.

It’s getting darker with every passing moment, and the wind becomes stronger, the curtains in my room fly higher, I keep looking outside. As the storm keeps building up, it not only perturbs the scene outside, but somewhere deep down in my own self too, things are stirred, memories some good, some bad, start hitting the soul in the same way as the chilled breeze has been hitting my face. Outside there,I see those fallen leaves being carried away by the wind, and in here I too am getting carried away by my thoughts, thoughts of today, memories of yesterday and fears and imaginations of tomorrow. There I see a swirl rising up….. and within myself I see faces, faces of people I have come across, some of them who are with me, some who were left behind, some who moved ahead, I see events, events trivial as well as magnanimous, all of them shaping my life in their own ways, I see places, places which have left an imprint on mind, some unforgettable journeys, some subconsciously noted roads,some cross roads, some never covered distances, some imaginary adobes, I see the ever-changing seasons, everything together creates a whirlpool.

The storm is at its zenith, the swirl rising to its greatest possible height, leaves, particles, dust everything dancing on the tune of the wind, but the center is empty…… yes, the center is empty I notice, in the same way as I see an empty me at the center of the world revolving round me, the thoughts, those people, those memories, the feelings, the places..... amidst all of them I stand alone .....haunted.

And the storm explodes....the lightening is meiotic and the sound is deafening, for a moment everything stops, it's all numb…… and the flood gates are opened, it’s pouring down heavily…I come out of the trance to find that the earth is being soaked up, the trees are tranquilized, the wind is no where to be felt, the flying in leaves now being washed and buried into the soil. The rain drops take the liberty to cross my window and I feel the wetness on my face, my fingers touch those drops over my cheeks…. and it’s not cold….seems some flood gates got opened here too…and

I smile.

I shut the window glasses and notice the mess on my table….. The storm has left all it’s marks here,on the pages of my diary….. dirt particles, a dried leaf and also some rain everything lies there, the cup of coffee now split, the pen still lying coverless in a corner. I gather up myself, clear up the mess, light the lamp on the table, and all of a sudden the ambience is so perfectly lit, a soft light being scatters all around. The cup in my hands needs a refilling I feel, I get into the kitchen and somehow on my regular dark taste, I today feel the need of adding a dash of cream and a spoonful of chocolate too….and then sipping up the dark temptation I get back to my room, put on my favorite rain song, and laze by the window.

I can smell the fragrance coming from a happy earth, whose thirst has been quenched. The warm bitter-sweet taste of the coffee lingers in my mouth and a similar sensation I feel down my heart too. Those thoughts, those people, those places, those memories, those feelings, which felt so very haunting a moment ago, were now metamorphosing themselves into a beautiful medley .The good times were celebrating, the not so good ones were humbly smiling at the valuable lessons they taught. People were leaving their footprints on the sand of the heart, some prints getting washed away, some were permanently engraved, some I found beside me, some behind and some leading me, there was a common link that all of them at some point had been with me and I was grateful that I had not been alone. The chamaeleon nature of the seasons was coloring my life. The roads, some were waving goodbyes and some showed milestones with a welcome tag. And then there were days … yesterday was fading out with a satisfied smile on it’s face, tomorrow was again too far to comprehend and it too had a mysterious but promising smile on it’s face, and today definitely seemed to be a present in all the sense. So slowly the haunting things got a romantic color on them, and I find myself smiling.... a smile that has the satisfaction of yesterday, promise of tomorrow and the present of today :)

And the rain out side thins, on one corner I see the blue sky, and find the sun softly lifting the veil of the subdued clouds to see a freshly bathed earth…… romance is in the air….;)

now this is one of my Gtalks... (girlie talks...) so can't help if it if guys find this one a total crap!!!

 jactitation???.....i agree, the title of the post may sound very nacissistic..... but that's the truth, i  love my hair ...

and trust me i've got thousands of reasons to that....

it may not the have best cut in the town

it may not have the 'in' colors on it

it's not sleek straight

neither it has those lustrous curls....
but i still love it....
i love it when it's wet, and those tiny drops like fresh dew fall over my shoulders.

i love it when it's moist and leaves that beautiful fragrance around it.

i love it when it get dried slowly by the sun and the locks get interlocked, making me look like a complete mess.
i love it when it's spread on the pillow like a silky sheet and the satin feel that my hands get when i touch it.

i love to play with those locks while day dreamin or thinking deep.

i love the minor distractions it causes by falling on my eyes, when i'm busy working.

i love the confidence it gives me when i style it afresh.

i love the way it gets soaked in rain

i love the way it abosrbs the sun in winters

i love the way it gets ruffled by the autumn breeze and the soft sound it makes

i simply love it for the way it makes me look and feel..... :)