Sunday, December 18, 2011

season's greetings !

while the world is rejoicing in the holiday season..... making merry and feeling high.... life on this side seems a bit low.... well, 'low' might now be the right word, but am too tired to look for a more apt word.... am just tired, tires of the year coming and going by, and acting as a mute spectator . i too want to get in there, i too want to participate and i too want to make things happen..... it's been a lazy life..... may be not literally because i'm in too hectic a profession ..... in fact i'm into one of those which requires maximum working hours and toiling..... but somehow i feel a sense of inadequacy.... my fault !
i just want to break free for a while, i want to do things which i have always wanted to, to have those vacations i've always dreamt of, to visit those places which i always have to, to be with people i want to .....
is it too much to ask for a nice li'l break on a distant land, far from the maddening crowd, just to sip some chocolate and watch the nature change its color with every passing moment, and have a shoulder to lean on???
( well, as i'm writing this write now, at the same time my mind tells me that may be tomorrow when i get it all, i might actually be wanting what i've got right now.... that's my tragedy.... i always contradict myself! )

so, anyways,even if i don't get a vacation, even if i don't get any holiday in the holiday season, even i've to wait some more to visit those places and people.... it's still a merry season.... and i ardently believe that everyone has a secret santa.... and i've mine too who would sooner or later fill my stockings with joy and joysticks :)
 so have fun everyone.... even i'll have my share of it .... for sure in all possible way i can !
                                                             (picture courtesy: Google)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Enigma now has a Name !

Yes, it's true... it's time to shed all the masks, and embrace oneself as one is, rather than hiding behind those masks and trying to tell those half-truths, and at times the truth.
Why is animosity so lucrative?
Why do we feel more comfortable to tell the truth hiding behind those curtains, why can't we come openly and say it out and aloud on world's face?
Lack of courage???
Definitely YES!
But mostly it's not the lack of courage in facing the world, it's the fear of being our true self that holds us back. (at least in my case it has always been that way !)
why can't we accept our own self as we are.... why can't we love ourselves with all our imperfections .... Either we are ashamed or just inconfident in facing the world as we are ... thus we keep trying to make ourselves the way the world would like us to be !
I have a huge respect for people who are capable to being themselves, people who don't camouflage their thoughts, people who don't sugar quote their opinions just because we won't like them, people who have the courage to say a 'no' even if it hurts half the world.
I'm not one of them, I've always been very conscious of my image and your emotions, I don't know which one more though. Is it the fact that I would end up hurting people that keeps me sweet and semi-honest all the time, or is it the attempt of building a perfect image that makes me that way, whatever it is.... I don't like it anymore .
May be somehow i was not able to forgive myself for my mistakes, my imperfections, but, it's time now to shed that fear and shed the mask too..... it's time that I forgive myself and embrace myself with all love i am capable of showering upon.....
So ..... I'm no more an enigma to myself.... I'm Me.... and I'm happy to be this way.... and I can tell it all on your face without any fear ;)

(wish me luck!!!! :))

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

one sun & one moon .... at the same time !

isn't it a beautiful feeling to find the sun and the moon at the same time on the same sky?????

(the sunset and the moon has been clicked at the same time today )

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Diary of a wounded healer...

Why is something as dreadful as Cancer just a mere subject for us?
I look around, media is full of adverts everywhere about supporting cancer patients, being compassionate to them... and who isn't? except for those of us who are in medical profession ourselves... irony that is.
Eric Segal in his book Doctors called us 'wounded healers'... and trust me we are them.... 'wounded healers'!
If you are wondering about why am I talking of these stuffs today, is just because of this guilt feeling I'm having for a bit of shouting that I did over a cancer patient.... well, apparently the fault is entirely mine.... but, for a moment look at it with a diferent angel, my angel...
We are overworked residents, who are almost robotical in their work.... we are made that way.... not our fault, for us every work is mechanical, we might have chosen this medical profession with all our hearts but at the end all we use there is our mind. Somewhere along the line of working initially on  bones, skulls, cadavers and then illness.... our heart takes a back seat and mind comes forth.
We are taught that way, to not to get attached to our patients, not to include any personal touch in our dealings, for us each patient is just a subject, to see, to learn and to treat.... that's it !
What else will you expect from doctors who works in a goverment setup.... they have got a long queue of patient standing at the OPD door.....  they have no time for meals, no time for friends and  no time to wind up or relax.... and then there are rules to be followed which are neither made for doctors nor for patients, just for administration's sake....and to top it all is that only once in blue moon someone comes and gives them some credit for the things they are doing... otherwise mostly there is no grartitude expressed, no thanks given, no appreciation put forth.....considering all this the end result is a robot working out there mechanically ....   don't expect him/her to have a heart !
But, then it doesn't happen that way.... even if I tell you that don't expect me to have a heart, I do have heart... and it hurts too, to be rude to someone with such an illness, to not be able to keep calm amidst all chaos, to not be able to tell them that see we have got a cure and you will be alright .
anyway lets hope i'm forgiven that one sentence that just sounded a bit rude...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

under the libra sun...

A perfect azure sky….. with hints of bright thin patches of clouds at some places….. the libra sun shining bright and high…. Warm enough but not at all scorching…..chilly breezes hitting you…. Ruffling your hair and filling your lungs with some soul stirring smell….. it smells of the drying leaves and barks all over…. On the roads you can even find those flying yellowish leaves…. Don’t feel sad for them,  thinking that they are done with their lives, look at it the other way, they are having their final dance with the breeze and celebrating the new spring the nature is getting ready for….. all under the Libra Sun

Saturday, October 15, 2011

High on Life !

it's time for personal new year again :) and i feel high on life
this time of the year always brings a new zeal with it, this year too i feel bubbling with energy... there is sooo much to do.... and as the great ones said "our time is limited !" so without wasting it anymore i better start with life ....
the 'to-do' list is a veryyy long one....and a tough on too.... but i'm all set to give it my best shot ....
  • will read.... n read.... n read... (sounds boring??? nay, trust me it's fun !)
  • will definitely write more ! (*seriously*)
  • won't waste time worrying ( worries suck... big time !)
  • will talk less and listen more ( you thought i meant it ??? :p )
  • will shop wisely ( i wish i can make the statement come true...*sigh*)
  • will try living healthy (now this one comes in priority... and who-so-ever is reading this lame post pls try doing this for yourself )
  • will make the best of me possible :) :) :)

Friday, October 7, 2011

unmasking the masked !

I'm a master of disguise..... trust me, i've always been that way, always hidden under some mask, which doesn't show its true face to the world outside... and at times even i  myself cannot see the face hidden behind that camouflaged being, i try, i search but it becomes frustratingly difficult to get that real face out.
i attribute this stubbornness to this outside world which forces us to keep up with it and walk with it without questioning or taxing our mental faculties as to why we are that way. and we poor beings are so busy coping up with the pressure the world puts upon us that we often tend to forget what  we actually want....

have you seen those clowns performing in a circus..... we actually are those clowns.... whatever we come up with is just a performance....most of the times, we are not living rather, we are just putting  up a show, a show to please everyone around except us .... and this my friend accept it or not is the truth !

we have been running away from our own selves, we have been shutting our own selves off, suppressing the poor soul to let the outer world flourish.... and worst part is that all these sacrifices won't make us a martyr !
and why play a martyr.... when you were sent here with a purpose, a purpose of living, living a life that is healthy in all possible ways, a life that lives and let others live....a life that's meant to make this world a better place to live

there is so much to do, to see, to learn, to feel.....and the time is really limited !

i wonder what was i wasting the time on .... may be it wasn't getting wasted, it was in fact giving me a lesson... a lesson which i must practise..... i know i'm blabbering too much..... too much of nonsense, but that's how i've always been, seeking sense in nonsense.... :)
for the world outside ,I'm a No-Nonsense person.... and to my inner world, i know nonsense rules the world : p and i like it that way ! because i know, in there is a person who dreams insanely and infinitely.... in there is a person whose ideas are larger than life.... in there is a person who seeks a world which is too ideal to exist in reality ! but, even if  those dreams are impossible, those ideas insane and that spirit a bit crazy.... that is what the real me is all about....
so those starry eyes , that soft heart and that tough spirit is going to give it all that it takes ... after all it's only one life you  have got, so why not take a chance, why not take the risks and why not live?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

love thyself !

out of every lessons that I've learnt in this book of  life.... the biggest is....
" the most important person in your life should always be YOU "

so here is a small mantra of selfishness
Know what you are worth of
you are way much more than you actually think of yourself
Honour yourself & your desires too
Respect your dreams, however silly the world might call them
Pamper yourself whenever needed
Support yourself through thick and thin
Stand by yourself furiously
be possesive about your own self
in short...
Love Thyself !!!

"to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"
- Oscar Wilde

Thursday, September 15, 2011

CoLoRs !

what would world look like without any colors ..... so add as much of em' as possible in you life :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

lights of faith....

I am from a city which is also at times reffered as 'city of a thousand Gods'
and truly so...
every street here has got its own God.
I've this peculiar habit of walking in own city as a tourist at times...
trust me it's fun !
It helps you to percieve things with a different angle,
it helps you notice those small things with you so easily miss and overlook,
and helps you appericiate things which you would not have as a native....
try it out sometimes ;)
So at times, when I behave like a tourist I like to capture the moments in my cam,
not great with photography though,
but, I simply love clicking :)
So here's the first one in the series... capturing 'the lights of faith'

ps- if you are wondering which city am I talking about.... it's Kathmandu :)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

the taste of cigarrete !

the balcony had a dim yellow light coming from the dimly lighten room, at a good distance up above in the sky was the crescent moon with a single star in it's vicinty, looking down at both of them. november night was chilling and windy enough to ruffle her shoulder length mane, as she stood there in her oversized pulover and pajamas. he was stading just next to her, but in a posture as if he alone existed in the world and there was no one else by his side, the only thing giving an indication that he was aware of her presence was,his deliberate effort to blow the smoke of his cigarette on the side opposite to where she was standing. both of them stood silently. together yet apart, lost in their own worlds. the only thing making him aware of her presence by his side was the soft smell of freshly washed hair, which was still moist. for her the smell was a li'l stronger one, nicotine was the flavour for her, and wondering by herself, she asked "how does it taste?", he gave her a queer look, and something caught his attention, her face looked pale in that dim yellow light but it was her eyes that were encapturing, her eyes were as dark as the color of her hair, her curled lashes formed a beautiful shadow over the apple of her cheeks, his mind subconsciously wondered, whether it was really the first time when he was noticing this. "how does it taste?", she asked again, he smiled , in very his way ( a slight lift of only the left corner of the lips, was his way), and brought his fag holding fingers near her lips and said "here have one by yourself, you would come to know", she simply turned her face to other side and he gave a soft teasing laugh......"not meant for soft ones like you" he said, and suddenly found her turning towards him, bringing herself very close to him, she said "i've got a better way to taste it" and before he could breath in, her lips were on his............. his hand dropped the burning butt, his footwear stamping and extinguishing it, and his hands finally getting into the thick matt of her hair.... it felt as if ages passed before they broke free, and all they could do after breaking free was, give a nervous laugh to each other. finally he broke the silence,"was that our first kiss?", she looked at him quizzically "nay, it was just my first taste of a cigarrete",she said with a teasing smile
ps- this is my 100th post, and i've reposted a previous one.... don't ask me why.... just a celebration to a landmark :)

Saturday, September 3, 2011


whtever it is bring it on... i'm ready .... and i'm not alone...... :)
whtever i have, whoevr i'm it's all because there is a man upstairs who has been benevolent beyond measures, can't thank him enough, and one thing i've realized , his goodness inspires us to be good...
i may have sinned, i may have erred, i may have been bad
may be i'll to pay for all that
may be i'll have to repent
but the only thing i want now
is to be good with his goodness...:)
(may be that's my redemption!)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

some sunshine amidst clouds and rain !

waqt ke kaid me zindagi hai magar, chand ghadiyan yahi hain jo azaad hain....

Thursday, July 28, 2011

bawara man dekhne chala ek sapna......

life is some times stupidly beautiful..... inspite of all the pain, all the sufferings,
amidst all the chaos and painful phases, all of sudden he gives you a sign, you just stand and stare and wonder what's it all about, that sign..... you almost laugh within yourself , asking is there any good mean for you? but you feel at peace, you feel forgiven, you feel redempted, you don't feel that restlessness any more. you have surrendered yourself completely and you are ready for anything and everything and then suddenly it happens, the most unexpected thing and more than that is your own most unexpected reaction !
life all of a sudden throws such a surprise that you are swept off your feet.... you loose your senses, about what is right and what is wrong, you no longer are bothered to calculate. as if something grips your senses, it feels like a hypnotism, you go on doing what your heart says to you, without worrying about consequences. the outer world all of a sudden ceases to exist and all u can hear to and relate to your own heart, your own self.... and all of a sudden the world seems to be a lovely place and life seems to be beautiful.
no, the problems are solved, may be they are deepend, the scars not healed and the issues not resolved, but somehow something from above says, that the pieces of puzzle have started falling at places....all you need is to wait for the right time :)

ps- somehow i can't help humming this song ....
       बावरा मन देखने चला एक सपना
       बावरें से मन की देखो बावरी हैं बातें
       बावरी सी धड़कने हैं बावरी हैं साँसे
       बावरी से करवटें से नीन्दियाँ दूर भागे
       बावरे से नैन चाहे बावरे झरोखों से
       बावरे नज़ारे को ताकना
       बावरा मन देखने चला एक सपना.......



Sunday, July 24, 2011

life is so very strange.... there are moments of triumph, moments of losses, moments of ecstasy, moments of pain, moments with others, moments with yourself, and moments with Him.....

सर उठा के मैंने तो कितनी ख्वाइश की थी
कितने ख्वाब देखे थे कितनी कोशिश की थी
जब तू रूबरू आया नज़रे न मिला पाया
सर झुका के एक पल में मैंने क्या नहीं पाया

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

blabbering faith

i'm not a cry baby, i never was one. doesn't mean to say that i don't cry, i do... loads and loads but all that ppl around me get to see always is a big grin.....infact a cheerful face and i are synonymous, some ppl say. but, going through my recent posts i realized all i ve done is show a crying face. not that i'm ashamed, or regreting and all, just that i had no other place to vent, so i thought better let it be at an annonymous platform, where ppl don't know me, ppl don't know my story and thus ppl won't judge me. everyone at times needs a place to express it out, all of it, the frustations, the failures, the pain, the guilt..... everything. rather than piling it up, it's better to share it out, if not with anyone in particular then just talk it aloud with the universe, there definitely will be someone to hear it up . i am very well aware of the fact that life isn't a piece of cake or a bed of roses, and i'm way past that phase and age that would expect it to be that way, neither am i a timid docile one submitting easily to life's challenges, but there are times where even the toughest of fighters lose everything they have, their strength, their hope, their will.....i've lost my strength and will, and about hope i'm not sure.... coz i am one such hopelessly hopeful soul that it at times hurt to be this way, so, infact i even prayed for the hope to get killed. but then there is something i haven't lost yet, and that's faith, i don't know what's in store for me, i don't know what will happen tomorrow, i have no clue and i have given up fighting for it, but i know some thing, we human being know what we want, whereas, he, the one who lives up above, knows what we need !

guess he is jsut waiting to give me what i need :)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

however you hard try.... however tough fight you give .... however badly you fail and give up.... nothing, absolutely nothing it that i can't read his sign, or is it that he just isn't responding to those prayers....

Friday, July 8, 2011

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

i don't know who's the author of the poem, but i have been knowing this one by heart since last 10 yrs or may be more than that, but i guess i have never been able to impliment this in my own life. how so ever hard the time, and how so ever strong the faith, i have always tried interfering with my own ways, not because i didn't have faith in him, but because i thought he wanted me to do something. but now i am tired of trying to find the right way, my way never works and i don't which way he wants me to adopt.... anyway i have come to a point where i have nothing left and i give up, i give up completely, i have nothing more to fight for, not even a tiny ounce of me has the courage to fight or find a way..... i don't know what he wants for me, because most of the time it is that we know what we want but God knows what we need..... so he must be knowing it.... but i have one i leave everything upon his wish now..... i dont know what it hold for me, whatever it will be i'll accept,but i just pray for one thing take away the hope .... because i can't see it getting shattered again..... i might be very strong, i might be a mighty one.... but i can't see it being shttered again and again.... so please take away the hope....i am better off without it !

Sunday, July 3, 2011

this too shall pass.....

the night is dark.... it's raining outside.... and it's raining inside too.... faith is shaken up.... feelings shattered..... frustrations creeping in.... tears rolling down.....
sometimes our strength weakens ask yourself, why behave so strong that everyone shudder their weakness upon you... thinking you can take care..... but then you know the answer.... this how you were made....this is how you have been....and this how you survive.....
it may be a dark night.... but there will be a dawn
rain might be reigning but the sun will shine upon
and faith can be shaken up but it's never broken.....
so even though for a moment i think i've lost it
something tells me to hold on.....
and a voice whispers "this too shall pass"....

Thursday, June 23, 2011

you with yourself !

you live thousands of moments, you meet hundreds of ppl, you walk with the crowd, you talk with the bunch, you laugh many a laughters, you shuttle between truths n lies, through out the day you struggle and strive...and give the world your best face.... but at the end of the day all you have with yourself is you !

Friday, June 10, 2011

the crab clutching my toe

there are moments when nothing else but restlessness surrounds, dominates and rules!
however hard you may try to concentrate, however hard you may try to shift your attention , however hard you may pray to find a solace, it doesn't work. that creepy thing doesn't let you go..... it's like a crab whose claws are holding your toe tight.... very hush, you run, you try shake it off.... but it's still there, clinging to you as if its life depends on your very toe.... and then u start feeling that dull nagging pain..... and then you notice some blood too....and amidst all the mess it's making, it's still there happily sticking to you..... you try fight it initially but then later you give up.... you give up and let it be..... you get accustomed to that dull ache, which by now you are so used to, you secretly start enjoying it, and then there you realize all of a sudden that you have found your solace...the pain.... you no more register the crab that's causing the pain, all you are focused on is that nagging dull ache.... and thus the mighty restlessness dissolves ........

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

tum itna jo muskura rahe ho....

बन जायेंगे जहर पीते पीते ये अश्क जो पीते जा रहे हो...

this is one of my fav. piece of music.... it's something i tune into when nothing but helplessness surrounds and my mind starts playing games with my own self.... a Q&A session i can call it... just that there are way too many questions and my heart knows answer to none.....
why are mind and heart such rivals, can't they ever be at peace with each other.... why can't the arrogant  and ever-intelligent mind spare the poor heart from the harsh logic of world..... and when on earth will that timid heart stop defying all the logic and in spite of apparently being the softer one stop ruling the mightier mind.... and make one do all the stupidities that one can't even afford to....

i guess...रेखाओं का खेल है मुक्कद्दर रेखाओं से मात खा रहे हो.....

for those of you who are interested to hear this number... here it is

Monday, May 30, 2011

turning the pages.....( the initial ones)

Books and I share a love-hate relationship, it's more like a marriage, you can call me a polygamist in that sense because I'm literally married to them, all sorts of them, and I know this relation is going to last a life time.
Well, love comes into picture when I see those beautifully shelved hard-covered or paperback editions of those great works of literature adorning a study, a library or a book shop, my mood is instantly elevated, I rush to them, I touch them, I feel them, I smell them, and lovingly I turn the pages...
And about hating them.... how could I.... it's true that sometimes I'm so tired with the piles and piles of them that I've to finish within a deadline that I don't feel like touching them for months, but ultimately I've to get back to them.... they are my only solace after all.
So, the reason I'm talking of books and my love for them is, other day I came across this Book Reading Challenge 2011by Book Readers Lounge, though I came to know about it very late, but as the theme was one of my favourites 'INDIA' I decided to mention about it. It can include any books with plot based in India, or any work of a writer  of Indian origin, so, I thought I would just list my favourite ones down here, don't have time to write a review so, I'll just quote some of my favourite sentences from that book or give a synopsis, or just give you one simple reason to read the book or the author

1) An Equal Music by Vikram Seth
I'll be biased and begin with my the favourite one... An Equal Music
Set in the background of three beautiful European cities...London, Vienna and Venice is this amazingly soul stirring musical love story which you might finish reading once, but, it will forever keep echoing into your mind like a beautiful piece of music....You may not like the story, you may not fall in love with the characters, but you won't be able to deny it's beauty. For me it's a personal treasure, in me personal copy, by the side of the poem written by the author addressing his partner, there is a sentence written by me in the honor of this beautiful book
" whenever I feel so very torn.... I come to you,
as you console me so beautifully... that I'm not the only one"

2) The Namesake by Jhumpa Lehri and the other likes (videshi stories of deshis)
Read it for the very feel of understanding the joy, the amusement and the inner conflict of adapting to a completely different culture and country. The silent and unacknowledged pain of being uprooted and then    re-rooted to a place where you actually don't belong to. This very work of hers represents not only her other works like Unaccustomed Earth but also, works of many other abroad settled Indian authors whose work are mostly based on the torn feeling of belonging and not belonging to world....

3) Read Ruskin
I won't name a particular book of his, because they are so many and they are all so wonderful. He is one English man who is more Indian than anyone else I feel. \
Read his books, just for the joy of enjoying simplicity, there are hardly works in literature those are so simple and yet so successful.
Read his books to simply turn the pages in a lazy afternoon and laugh at his anecdotes.
Read his books to enjoy the beautiful summers of the hills of Himanchal.
 If you haven't read him yet, then you surely are missing something.
here is one of my favourite pieces written by him :
Remember the long ago when we lay together

In a pain of tenderness and counted
Our dreams: long summer afternoons
When the whistling-thrush released
A deep sweet secret on the trembling air;
Blackbird on the wing, bird of the forest shadows,
Black rose in the long ago summer,
This was your song:
It isn't time that's passing by,
It is you and I.

( that's all for now, have got much more to share, but the books are calling again and now I need to turn some pages....)

Friday, May 20, 2011

a yellow banyan leaf.....

A rainy grey may afternoon in ktm, nothing unusual about it, ktm has unusually rainy summers which everyone living here is quite used to. I sit by a table of this open cafeteria in this posh lane of embassies. Embassies of two massive empires stand here side by side, UK and India. I almost laugh at the irony, once upon a time, one of them was under the control of the other and now that one stands alone, independent and almost as mighty as the other one. Anyway lets get out of the politics, that's not my favourite topic . So,  I sit here alone and sip my coffee, utterly dark and sweetly bitter just like the day, waiting for a friend whom I haven't met in years.
The gathering on the next table gathers my attention too, it's a group of hippies sitting there, immersed in some serious talks it seems. I wonder how they manage to look alike, they are a complete community in themselves, they may not belong to same country, they may not speak the same language or follow the same religion but they all look so similar. I wonder how is it possible, then I get my answer by my own self, hasn't it been numerous times that people mistake me for my colleagues, just because of the same white coats that we wear, so, it's like if all the lawyers wearing their robe can look similar, all the doctors in their white coats can look similar then why can't all the hippies look same, with those same unkempt hair, those colorful tattoos, those worn out garments and most importantly with that 'I'm restlessly at peace' attitude. Frankly I envy them, I do, I just wish I had the same kind of attitude in me, who cares for the world.....all I want is my slice of peace !
 The fallen yellow leaves of banyan which stands across the road are happy with the drizzle it seems, they might be lifeless scientifically but it seems the drops of rain are providing them the final salvation, some them even manage to fly across the road when in between the drizzle strong breeze intervenes, and hit my table. And thus the memories start hitting me too, memories of people so fond of, of places so far off... my heart almost aches. I wonder at life's chameleon nature, always changing it's color. Just like the day today, it was a sunny morning to wake up to then some pleasant breeze to accompany while walking for the brunch and now it's a gloomy afternoon. Life which once had all the colors of rainbow, now looks like today's gray sky... which has nothing to ask for, nothing to look forwards too, nothing to wish for for and hardly anything to feel much like a fallen yellow leaf with last  few drops of rain on it......

Sunday, May 15, 2011

simple sleepless night...

Sleep has been eluding me, a restlessness surrounds, I don't know the reason, or perhaps I know but don't want to admit... after continuously staring at the ceiling in the darkness and after a endless series of  tossing and turning on the bed I finally decided to give that crisp sheet some relief....and got up, walked to this chair....but nothing seems to be helping.  Even if I write it down here, it won't be of any help, but may be I just needed a space to vent it out, the good thing about writing on a blog is, even though your post may never be read or that page might never be visited, but you somehow feel like you are addressing an audience.... even though it's a mute audience, doesn't matter, it's human nature, we will do all the dramas only when we have got an audience, trust me... loneliness keeps us more sane..........
But anyway, time to go back to that messed up bed with a messed up mind....... if you ask me what I desire the most at this moment... I would say, I want to believe that there are angels up there, let one of them come to me, softly ruffle my hair and rub my hurting scalp and sing me a lullaby and put me to sleep...

ps- another wish i have....... wish there was a 'restore factory setting' mode for this mind/heart too ... life would have been so damn simple !( well, even though i'm not convinces about the last part..."life would..." but that's how i feel at this moment at least )

Sunday, May 8, 2011

some secrets that hardly matter....

so we begin with 10 secrets..... well, 10 is a huge number and  do i really have 10 of them??? let's recall may be i'll discover some that i havn't shared with myself....

1.can't stand the sight of a caged bird..... reason... coz i'm scared of enclosed spaces... elevators can choke me

2. i'm one of the the most susceptible one for bed me when i say "i am thaaat lazy"

3.i'm a gifted one when it comes to expressions.... in simple words..." i'm a chatter box"

4. pendulum can be my nickname ....making decision is my biggest fear... so on a dinner date never hand me the menu...

5. behind that ever cheerful face is a person who can and who often does cry buckets without letting anyone know that

6. nature has got quite a power over me, a dark day can make me gloomy, bright sun can cheer me up, moon works wonder on me, and stars are my true love...

7. people closet to me made me believe that i am not pretty while rest of the world told me the opposite...and thus i found the truth...i can luk pretty when i want to

8. i'm at my best when i've achieved my golden beam...i told you  "i balance"...( noone can define Libra better than me...)

9. "i'm gud at nothing" .... and nothing i do changes this thought ever

10. GOD is my best friend :)

Saturday, April 30, 2011

what a day to wake up to.....

What a day to wake up to... is what I told to myself as soon as I got up this morning
It's weekend so morning obviously has to start a bit late..... but, this was like waking up in the night again, outside was so dark that it was practically impossible to believe that it was already 8 in the morning, I rechecked my watch read the same again, then to confirm I quickly glanced over the wall in front of me where there was the Africa-shaped clock and the pointer was pointing towards the head of lion that told me... yes it was actually eight in the morning only to make me pull off the curtains and peep out of my window again realizing that it were clouds conquering the sky By the time I got out of  the bed and got my cup of tea it was only thunders I could hears, flashes so frequent that it felt like being over a red carpet stuck in a paparazzi storm, and thunders so loud that I actually was tempted to believe that the world perhaps is really coming to an end.
Anyway, it's a day off and though I might be having a zillion thing on my to do list,but i am not going to lose this moment for anything, I need to sit, take some time off, throw off my burdens for a while and just sip the tea slowly and enjoy all the performances the nature is putting up...

a slice of today's ktm- morning ....

ps-we know how the world today is, we are so caught up in our lives and in our world,  straightening our mess, that we have almost forgotten that there exist some beautiful things in our lives which are quite capable of giving simple unadulterated pleasures, those may not be big things, and may not give give those big kicks, but just for a moment stop and stare around you, nature keeps doing wonder, atleast give it a smile back so that it will remain motivated keep spreading its magic and we would continue to have atleast one reason to smile upon each day....

Have a Good Day :)

Sunday, April 17, 2011


This is no news that my creativity has taken a dip....
and I no longer feel capable of writing any beautiful nonsense or any sensible crap
 for now when life seems a complete mess and 
 I'm the Master of Mess-Making
 I'm busy in getting myself neck-deep into it, not trying to come out of it
 and the best part, not even crying over it openly :)
(that's how I'm, a coward with a mask of brevity)

But, yes I'm full of human follies and I don't feel any shame accepting it
and hence I do agree that going trough tough times isn't the best possible thing happening and
what so ever people suggest or say, how so ever the self-help books and gurus claim
 it ain't that easy !
But,(yes yet again another 'but')... but, trust me when I say that all of us are blessed with some self-help mechanisms, we actually never are so very helpless as we imagine ourselves to be.
Even when the condition is completely out of our hand, we have a choice....
we have a choice as to how will we react to the entire thing....
The Right to React (when, where and HOW) is entirely Mine .

I too have my own mechanism,
 I pray,
 and how so stupid they might sound but I do go through self-help books with those so true/untrue miracle and courageous stories and pieces of writings
After all every human being on the earth is either in love or hatered relationship with life
and trust me these two are such strong emotions that when felt strongly, 
they can make you do anything endure anything and win anything !

For me one such thing self-help thing is this poem which is cliched,yet a very strong inspiration

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

 ( W E Henley)

ps: don't know if i am making any sense but if this poem inspires you even a bit, the purpose will be served :)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

An Empty Me

As I get bored with working on this beautiful silent saturday morning (which actually happens to be the only off day I get every week) for a break I log on to this blog, go across the blogroll, and find some wonderful wonderful pieces to read through, and I wonder where have I lost myself ?
There was a time when writing used to be my passion, my diary never seemed to have enough of space to fill my words and thoughts, and now I see a beautiful covered diary kept at a corner of my table, staring back at me almost like a abandoned lover looking at me with teary eyes silently asking the question "why don't you touch me anymore?" I feel a pang of guilt inside me, for leaving all those beautiful pages empty.... do they reflect my own emptiness, that unfulfilled void ?
I should admite 'Yes' thats what those empty pages of diary, that's what those unwritten posts reflect -
 An Empty Me.
And on ending note I have to confess one more thing to my diary "Dear diary, it isn't you I've abandoned, It's Me"

Friday, March 4, 2011

food for thought 1

"Work like a slave; command like a king; create like a god."

Isn't that a beautiful thought???
i just can't praise it enough for it's beauty so i better stop blabbering.

Monday, February 14, 2011

seasons and reasons of love (words n pics)

To be or Not to be in love.... isn't the question here !
Not at every point of time in the life one is in love, not at every point you feel in love but never-the-less, there has been one point in your life when you have felt it, believed it, lived it and loved the feeling of love itself.
Someone has said "love is like measles everyone of us has to go through it" and i couldn't agree anymore.
who doesn't feel mushy once in a while? and especially if love is all around in the air and everyone seems to be basking in the glory of love, you just can't resist the feeling of  reading something lovable or snuggling in your bed with your ever favourite romantic movie.... and mind it you don'e always need to have someone by your side to do it, the very feeling is enough to fill your heart with joy.... i spent my V-day watching one of my fav movies and i didn't feel like i was missing anything.... i actually miss that feeling, infact, for someone like me, who has valued this emotion so strongly, it's strange to have been so out of love for quite sometime.. but nevertheless it hasn't taken my respect or my beliefs away ....
i still believe in its glory.... i still believe in its miracles ...and i still believe in being in love
so this post is all about love
my favourite quotes and movies of love.....


I love you not for who you are, but for what I am when I am with you …

- Roy croft, poet

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was yours to begin with
- Annonymous

grow along with me, the best is yet to be
- Annonymous

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." 
- Annonymous


Notting Hill
" William: I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.
Anna: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge
"bade bade deshon me aisi choti choti batien hoti rahti hain Senorita"

When Harry Met Sally
Harry: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible

PS: I Love You
 "I know what I want. It is in my hand"

Dil Toh Pagal Hai
woh (God) tumhe batayegaa woh ladki koun hai. woh tumhe ek ishaaraa dikhaye gaa aur tumaraa dil samaj jaayega ke woh ladki koun hai

Sunday, February 13, 2011

cute children and cornea

cute children and their cornea.... if you are wonderinmg what am i talking about then, it's my thesis topic i'm talking about , yes... i'm kind of excited .... mostly because of the age group i'm going to deal :)

and not only departed MJ but we all love kids.... don't we???
and their cornea.... now those of you who are wondering what cornea is ....

and now why is this important .... because do u all know 1.5 million children of the world are blind, and each minute one child goes blind somewhere in the world, and the indian subcontinent and sub-saharan countries are worst affected by corneal blindness..... and 60% of the blind kids die before 5 yrs of age
( data source WHO)
so isn't it a nobel topic to work on???

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Rouge Legende...

this is no advertisement of ELLE.... (atleast they are not paying me for it ) but one thing that i am surely advertising here is my favourite shade of lipstick.... (do you notic the awsome colored bar down there merging so beautifully with the glossy blue printed on the cover???) yes that's my favourite shade.... Rouge Legende by Monteil Paris..... remember the lush red lips of Nicole Kidman in Mouline Rouge ????? and let me bit a myth over here.... that sinful red hue doesn't always look slutty.... so try it on ones.... it's like one of those quitessential things.... like a LBD or a crisp white shirt or a favourite pair of faded denim....

for those who are wondering what it looks like.... have a look....

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

matinee hour .... 'the king's speech'

wanted to check whether this one deserves all the attention and accolade it has been getting...
"when God could not save the king
the queen found someone who could"

and the verdict is ..... definitely 'YES'

5 reasons to watch......
if you want to watch some spendid performances
if you are a fan of the victorian era, styles and etiquettes
if  history is one of the subjects which has never failed to fascinate you
if you feel you are inadequate in some sense that holds you back from being you
and, if you want to have a 'feel good' feeling :)

(i guess those are enough to make you watch a movie)

happy mo-viewing!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

crowd or community?

i'am becoming more and more lazyyyy and am simply finding it difficult to express myself in words.... and thus there is every possibilty of my blog becoming quiesce and voided.... but then ....expression isn't a slave of words .... is it?
definitely no....
so if i don't have words i can have something else to express myself.... like.... pictures ...voila!!!
though i'm not very good at it ( as if i'm good at words...:P) but still i'll give a try... after all pictures are worth a thousand words :) so ....

crowd or community???

(taken two weeks back when i went for an eye camp to this village uphills, amidst the tall mountains and high stnading hills it was amazing how the roads were carved, and there wasn't any populatin in sight for miles ahead but all of sudden there emerged this village out of nowhere, had to trek for half an hour to reach the site but once there, the fresh mountain air, the azur sky , the smell of lime n pine coming from the trees and those wonderfully warm people made it all worth it ..... and this particular arrangement of houses was pretty interesting and thus taking a snapshot was inevitable )

Sunday, January 16, 2011

the doors in between

"there are things known
and there are things unknown
and in between are the doors"
Jim Morrison

(picture taken at the stupa of BAUDHA a budhist stupa, obviously, there were many panomaric views but these prayer wheels have been my favorite since i was a kid . ok for those who don't know much about these wheels here it is -
"Tibetan prayer wheels (called Mani wheels by the Tibetans) are devices for spreading spiritual blessings and well being. Rolls of thin paper, imprinted with many, many copies of the mantra (prayer) Om Mani Padme Hum, printed in an ancient Indian script or in Tibetan script, are wound around an axle in a protective container, and spun around and around. Typically, larger decorative versions of the syllables of the mantra are also carved on the outside cover of the wheel.

According to Tibetan Buddhist belief, spinning a prayer wheel is just as effective as reciting the sacred texts aloud. This belief derives from the Buddhist belief in the power of sound and the formulas to which deities are subject. For many Buddhists, the prayer wheel also represents the Wheel of the Law (or Dharma) set in motion by the Buddha. "
so these were some info gathered from various web pages, and from personal experience all i would say is that spinning them while walking around the periphery of a stupa amidst all the mantras being chanted by the monks offering their prayers and thousands of lamps lit in the honor of deity is a divine feeling )

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

life ia a wild horse

life is a wild horse.... difficult to tame.... very difficult infact!
hardly ever does it agree to us.... most of the times we fail miserable in taming it.
but i've learnt something , there definitely are ways to soften and conqure it, there definitely are ways to get things done your way and make life move your way, you at times have to be strict, at times a disciplinarian, at times tolerant too but the easiest way to take control is to put in love there.....
nothing is perfect and the better we realize the happier we are, perfection is a mirage man keeps chasing but never finds. why burden the poor life with the baggage of perfections, are we perfect in ourselves.... NO, then why expect life to be?
tame it with love, it will become your pet and a pet may never be perfect but still is loved for the simple way of how it is, so can't we love our life for how it is.... isn't it all so simple? :)

p.s.- i don't mind life being a wild horse at times, tell me the truth, who doesn't love wild once in a while? i do! ;)

Monday, January 10, 2011

nonsense yet again

i definitely have been very lazyyy and very stagnant, but that was yesterday, today is a different day, a new one, and it's not a new 'me' but definitely an improved 'me' and even if not improved, i don't care, as long as i feel happy to be myself.
i have stopped bothering about rights and wrongs, dos and don'ts..... who cares.... as long as my intentions are right and i don't intend to do any harm to anyone, i am free to do what i want to and tha's what exactly i am going to do now.... i'm going live it all in my way  :)
and the sky is so beautifully and blue and the sun is so happily out that i can't stop humming to myself
"sauda udano ka hai le le udane meri le mere par bhi le"


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