as a kaleidoscope reflects back the beautiful patterns of all that has gone into making of it, so does life... reflecting back all the emotions, the efforts, the work that has been put into it...this blog is about a bit of this and a bit of that and all the little stuffs that life is made of !
I, who has always believed that there exist a power beyond the comprehension of our materialistic attitude and limited intelligence, which controls the existence of each individual's world, am unable to decide the answer for my question..."is god being partial... or is it just me who is not being lucky enough?".
My faith has always been an unshakable one, that the man upstairs is fairest of all, there esixt no bias, no prejudices, no partiality in his domnion.
Then why am I having doubt now?
I have been feeling lost for quite a long now, I have been trying my best to find an answer to my questions for so long, now I feel totally drained, and I still don't have my answers. I have been crying for help, am sure he must have dropped hints as well as help,it must be the fault of my eyes to not have recognized them.
Then thinking that's because of my blurred perception that I could not pick his signs, I started parying for ingenuity, so that I could comprehend what he wanted to say in all hidden ways, but I failed again.
Earlier I used to hear him in my innerself, closing my eyes and letting myself hear my own self was the best method to get connected to him, now a days I can't anymore hear myself. All I can hear from within me is a cry for help, a sob for helpness, a crippled feeling of indesiciveness....I feel lost in all ways.
Reminds me of a very old song
ghayal man ka pagal panchi udne ko bekarar
pankh hai komal, aankh hai dhundhli,jana hai sagar paar
kaano me zara kah de
aaye kaun disha se hum
My dreams have vanished, and that's what I miss the most.... for a dreamer a like me, life holds no meaning without dreams.... all the experiences I've had, all the wisdom and the knowledge I've acquired, nothing helps, nothing gives a solution, there is no happiness, no feelings, all I feel is... plain numb !
But then throughout the little of whatsoever life I have lived,I've come to realize that, even when all my knowledge fails, my experiences rot, my mind gives up and my soul surrenders.... my faith somehow still survives.... and I recall this famous story:
"Footprints in the sand"
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,
one beloning to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most
you would leave me."
The Lord replied "My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffereing,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,
it was then that I carried you."
So, may be he is carrying me right now too, and I here am unnecessarily blaming him.... human nature you see is such ungrateful.... may be that's why you and me are mere mortal beings and he is GOD.
ps- if you are wondering why have I been writing all this here on a public platform.... it's just because, I am tired of writing all this in my diary, and may be God too has become techsavy like we people and he browses blogs mostly rather than personal diaries, so may be he someday will read this and answer to my prayers, and I ve heard he mostly answers through his children, so may be one fine morning I'll find his words coming from one of you... HALLELUJAH!