what we can create together are .....waves....

you are water
i'm air
i'm too superficial
u r too deep

but still we together can make some waves.....

Is it GoD who's partial... or is it just Me who is lame and not-so-lucky...?

I, who has always believed that there exist a power beyond the comprehension of our materialistic attitude and limited intelligence, which controls the existence of each individual's world, am unable to decide the answer for my question..."is god being partial... or is it just me who is not being lucky enough?".
My faith has always been an unshakable one, that the man upstairs is fairest of all, there esixt no bias, no prejudices, no partiality in his domnion.
Then why am I having doubt now?
I have been feeling lost for quite a long now, I have been trying my best to find an answer to my questions for so long, now I feel totally drained, and I still don't have my answers. I have been crying for help, am sure he must have dropped hints as well as help,it must be the fault of my eyes to not have recognized them.
Then thinking that's because of my blurred perception that I could not pick his signs, I started parying for ingenuity, so that I could comprehend what he wanted to say in all hidden ways, but I failed again.
Earlier I used to hear him in my innerself, closing my eyes and letting myself hear my own self was the best method to get connected to him, now a days I can't anymore hear myself. All I can hear from within me is a cry for help, a sob for helpness, a crippled feeling of indesiciveness....I feel lost in all ways.
Reminds me of a very old song

ghayal man ka pagal panchi udne ko bekarar

pankh hai komal, aankh hai dhundhli,jana hai sagar paar

kaano me zara kah de

aaye kaun disha se hum

My dreams have vanished, and that's what I miss the most.... for a dreamer a like me, life holds no meaning without dreams.... all the experiences I've had, all the wisdom and the knowledge I've acquired, nothing helps, nothing gives a solution, there is no happiness, no feelings, all I feel is... plain numb !

But then throughout the little of whatsoever life I have lived,I've come to realize that, even when all my knowledge fails, my experiences rot, my mind gives up and my soul surrenders.... my faith somehow still survives.... and I recall this famous story:                                    

"Footprints in the sand"

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along

the beach with the Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,

one beloning to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life

there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the

very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most

troublesome times in my life there is

only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed you most

you would leave me."

The Lord replied "My precious, precious child,

I love you and would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffereing,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,

it was then that I carried you."

So, may be he is carrying me right now too, and I here am unnecessarily blaming him.... human nature you see is such ungrateful.... may be that's why you and me are mere mortal beings and he is GOD.

ps- if you are wondering why have I been writing all this here on a public platform.... it's just because, I am tired of writing all this in my diary, and may be God too has become techsavy like we people and he browses blogs mostly rather than personal diaries, so may be he someday will read this and answer to my prayers, and I ve heard he mostly answers through his children, so may be one fine morning I'll find his words coming from one of you... HALLELUJAH!



this is where I belong

As soon as I entre the magnamous and aged building crossing the grill gate, I say to myself "Gosh! I almost hate this place and what on earth am I doing here?"

"Do I really belong here?" I find myself wondering.
Crowded lobbies, noisy surrounding, not a trace of refinement and tranquility anywhere.
A strong smell hits me hard.... smell of sweat,filth,blood and flesh.... i find my stomach churning, I feel like throwing up, but i can't do it, I must not, as this is the place where I have to come day after day.
I have no escape, this my workplace after all !
A mixture of anger and guilt rises inside me for not liking the place.

I hurry towards the staircase of the dimly lit vast building. The stairs are too narrow, almost makes me claustrophobic at times, especially when the rush of people rises.

As I climb one floor to other, I see corridors full of people with varied expresssion, but mostly a gloomy one. The faces mostly are frowned, many a times the eyes have tears too, the foreheads show many wrinkles, and the lips mostly drooping down.

"How do I survive all this everyday?" I wonder.
Thinking all this I finally reach the upper most floor, 5th i.e., and as I cross the corridor and come to the main  hall, I find myself being greeted by a smiling face "Hello doctor", she says.
She seems very happy, few days back, when she had come to this hospital, she was almost blind, and now she can see my face very well, recognize me and above all, greet me with a smile... :)

And I definitely feel blessed.

What else would you feel when you come to know that you have helped bringing back the smile on a face which was showing signs of hopelessnes.

I feel ecstatic, and I find saying myself " I do love my work".

I join my proffessors and peers who are already there for the evening rounds, I finish the rounds, get the satisfaction that we have put in our best for each patient there, and then I go to the big window in the ward, I feel the breeze softly hitting my face, making me relaxed, I see the numerous stars twinkling in the sky, filling the heart with an unknown joy, and I find the big fat moon smiling at me, and I feel in heaven and I find  myself saying

"This is where I belong." :)

here I'm this is Me

Yes... here I'm...
I thought of eluding from my ownself....infact, I've been trying to do that for quite a while... but ...tsk tsk... didnot succeed.... and thankfully not, I guess.
I thought putting up a mask will help me be more true, and more me.....
but, somehow things aren't as easy as we always expect them to be.
I thought it was a good idea to hide behind the mask, and then talk to not only myself but to the world too, but sadly, neither did I find the world listening to me, nor did I myself paid any attention to my own words, and then I realized it's better to be myself and speak what I feel bravely, rather than try to camouflag myself and continue the act of cowrdice.
so, from now on I would try being true to myself.... the task seems very difficult but is there anything impossible for a willing soul?
least I can do is that I can try to be all things that I want to be .... atleast I will succeed at some, or least I'll go to bed with a satisfaction that i tried...:)

(this is for people who don't know who I'm... and this is for myself to affirm once again that I <3 me )

ps- call me narcist, I don't mind ! : p

live another day

i feel sad...
very....
i don't why
or may be i know...but can't express
life is such  damn mess
and i just keep making it mess-ier......
why can't it be simple?

i feel like crying...
but the stubborn tears won't roll down
that makes me more numb
damn, i want to cry out n aloud n let it all flow out... :(

i want it all to be a dream
and i want to wake up to a morning realizing that it's all gone
but it wont happen that way
i know, it won't

i'll ve to face my ghosts
i'll ve to fight my demons
i'll ve to keep the faith
i'll ve to live another day