this is where I belong

As soon as I entre the magnamous and aged building crossing the grill gate, I say to myself "Gosh! I almost hate this place and what on earth am I doing here?"

"Do I really belong here?" I find myself wondering.
Crowded lobbies, noisy surrounding, not a trace of refinement and tranquility anywhere.
A strong smell hits me hard.... smell of sweat,filth,blood and flesh.... i find my stomach churning, I feel like throwing up, but i can't do it, I must not, as this is the place where I have to come day after day.
I have no escape, this my workplace after all !
A mixture of anger and guilt rises inside me for not liking the place.

I hurry towards the staircase of the dimly lit vast building. The stairs are too narrow, almost makes me claustrophobic at times, especially when the rush of people rises.

As I climb one floor to other, I see corridors full of people with varied expresssion, but mostly a gloomy one. The faces mostly are frowned, many a times the eyes have tears too, the foreheads show many wrinkles, and the lips mostly drooping down.

"How do I survive all this everyday?" I wonder.
Thinking all this I finally reach the upper most floor, 5th i.e., and as I cross the corridor and come to the main  hall, I find myself being greeted by a smiling face "Hello doctor", she says.
She seems very happy, few days back, when she had come to this hospital, she was almost blind, and now she can see my face very well, recognize me and above all, greet me with a smile... :)

And I definitely feel blessed.

What else would you feel when you come to know that you have helped bringing back the smile on a face which was showing signs of hopelessnes.

I feel ecstatic, and I find saying myself " I do love my work".

I join my proffessors and peers who are already there for the evening rounds, I finish the rounds, get the satisfaction that we have put in our best for each patient there, and then I go to the big window in the ward, I feel the breeze softly hitting my face, making me relaxed, I see the numerous stars twinkling in the sky, filling the heart with an unknown joy, and I find the big fat moon smiling at me, and I feel in heaven and I find  myself saying

"This is where I belong." :)

here I'm this is Me

Yes... here I'm...
I thought of eluding from my ownself....infact, I've been trying to do that for quite a while... but ...tsk tsk... didnot succeed.... and thankfully not, I guess.
I thought putting up a mask will help me be more true, and more me.....
but, somehow things aren't as easy as we always expect them to be.
I thought it was a good idea to hide behind the mask, and then talk to not only myself but to the world too, but sadly, neither did I find the world listening to me, nor did I myself paid any attention to my own words, and then I realized it's better to be myself and speak what I feel bravely, rather than try to camouflag myself and continue the act of cowrdice.
so, from now on I would try being true to myself.... the task seems very difficult but is there anything impossible for a willing soul?
least I can do is that I can try to be all things that I want to be .... atleast I will succeed at some, or least I'll go to bed with a satisfaction that i tried...:)

(this is for people who don't know who I'm... and this is for myself to affirm once again that I <3 me )

ps- call me narcist, I don't mind ! : p

live another day

i feel sad...
very....
i don't why
or may be i know...but can't express
life is such  damn mess
and i just keep making it mess-ier......
why can't it be simple?

i feel like crying...
but the stubborn tears won't roll down
that makes me more numb
damn, i want to cry out n aloud n let it all flow out... :(

i want it all to be a dream
and i want to wake up to a morning realizing that it's all gone
but it wont happen that way
i know, it won't

i'll ve to face my ghosts
i'll ve to fight my demons
i'll ve to keep the faith
i'll ve to live another day

raining memories......

The  sky, at times, along with rain pours down memories too....

like it's pouring right now.... the sound of rain is tearing apart the silence of the serene evening... and it's definitely flooding memories in my mind........ I think of many things some forgotten ones and some not forgotten ones, some seem to be at quite a distance... either they look vague or it might be my vision which is disturbed, and then there are some which are crystal clear, I feel I can almost touch the moment...

here are somthing I'm thinking of....

a tiny li'l girl in yellow frock and shabby hair, kneeling there on the veranda of her grandma's house and trying to make a boat out of the freshly torn page of her notebook,a boat that would row in the small stream flowing in the backyard by the virtue of the heavy rain. so the boat is finally  ready, it's a li'l hunched like the childish handwriting of hers on the paper and she frowns on the idea that it won't flow now.... but bingoooo!!! the boat really does exceptionally well despite being jittery...:D

 ( an after thought- though the girl grew up but her handwriting remains the same.... hunched and childish...:( and paper boats have become a luxury...  )

a girl, fresh in her teens, looks out from the window of her classroom, simply forgetting that there exist a subject called mathematics,which is being taught right now, and she gets lost in the nostalgia of the rainy afternoon and wait.... did she just see that guy with specs, sitting there on the 2nd row of her class, standing out there in rain and smiling at her..... she looks towards the 2nd row.... no he is engrossed in maths...:) (cupid's first arrow gives the most silliest and cutest feeling to anyone in the world...that's a universal truth!!! )

a girl runs wildly behind a guy in one of the most busy streets of the city under the pouring sky, half praying that it be 'him', and half praying that he should not be 'him'.... and at last just to find that it was not him, and she silently thanks heaven for the rain coz she is so ashamed to show her tears to the world

( love and happiness obviously are not synonymous.... wonder what makes us take so long to understand such a simple thing *sigh* )

a bunch of carefree lasses get out on the field adjoining their hostel to pick up the stones that were just thrown down from the sky along with the rain.... and it starts pouring once again.... and these euphoric souls dance there in the rain, without caring about anything else in the world, without any audience,without any music...afterall not always one needs music to dance : p 

( the joys of friendship can come in any form , in any way, there simply isn't any measure or rule for it :) )

a girl and a boy sit together on the stairs and hear the sky pouring it's heart out, hardly it rains the way it is raining now, and perhaps both of them are thinking the same thing silently.... this is their first rainy season together in fact their first ever season together, and it's perhaps their last rain together too :)... they click a pic... both a li'l wet ... a li'l sad... yet smiling a lot .... there is nothing to say, nothing to ask for, nothing to promise, nothing to forget, nothing to look forward to... they still are laughing at each others silly jokes and talking about tomorrow which they know are separate ones for them.... at last they shake hand and manage a gudbye ...though eyes are a li'l wet and heart a li'l heavy... but, for some reason there is a warmth in the heart and a smile on the face...

 (sometimes it's better to smile and thank god for all that he has given, rather than to frown and ask him for what he has not given :) )

it's raining outside, it's the darkest hour of the night and those eyes still lay awake..... sleep just won't come... and then the memories capture the place of dreams..... she starts thinks of all the good times, and those not so good ones too, she recalls each of her mistakes, she fears her future and she wishes that life was a li'l less a mess than it is now.... the thunders are striking each and every chord of her heart and soul.... and all the painful ones... she looks up just to see if God is looking back at her ... and she cries..... she cries like never before........( why do we keep forgetting one simple rule of nature... the darkest hours are the one before the dawn )

Impossible?....no, I'm- possible :)

Why does being a second generation has to be such a headache... the pressure of legacy is sometimes too difficult to handle. Especially at times when in most of the cases the second generations fail to live up to the expectations and match the huge shadow of their antecedents. Though for the world, apparently, being a second genration or being one of the subsequent generations is such a lofty idea, most of the time there is this prejudice that everything comes easily, well orginized on a platter for those like us who belong to that particular group, but, only we know how difficult it becomes to do justice to that platter and how impossible it becomes to please the world (which of course isn't very receptive of new and is always reluctant to get the old overshadowed). So, I see in front of me an immensely difficult time in matching up the expectations and getting out of the shadow to create my own niche, but I'm determined and god willing I someday will. It might be difficult but it's not impossible. and as R H Schuller says... I'M-POSSIBLE :)