tum itna jo muskura rahe ho....

बन जायेंगे जहर पीते पीते ये अश्क जो पीते जा रहे हो...

this is one of my fav. piece of music.... it's something i tune into when nothing but helplessness surrounds and my mind starts playing games with my own self.... a Q&A session i can call it... just that there are way too many questions and my heart knows answer to none.....

why are mind and heart such rivals, can't they ever be at peace with each other.... why can't the arrogant  and ever-intelligent mind spare the poor heart from the harsh logic of world..... and when on earth will that timid heart stop defying all the logic and in spite of apparently being the softer one stop ruling the mightier mind.... and make one do all the stupidities that one can't even afford to....

i guess...रेखाओं का खेल है मुक्कद्दर रेखाओं से मात खा रहे हो.....

for those of you who are interested to hear this number... here it is

tum itna jo muskura rahe ho....

turning the pages.....( the initial ones)

Books and I share a love-hate relationship, it's more like a marriage, you can call me a polygamist in that sense because I'm literally married to them, all sorts of them, and I know this relation is going to last a life time.
Well, love comes into picture when I see those beautifully shelved hard-covered or paperback editions of those great works of literature adorning a study, a library or a book shop, my mood is instantly elevated, I rush to them, I touch them, I feel them, I smell them, and lovingly I turn the pages...
And about hating them.... how could I.... it's true that sometimes I'm so tired with the piles and piles of them that I've to finish within a deadline that I don't feel like touching them for months, but ultimately I've to get back to them.... they are my only solace after all.
So, the reason I'm talking of books and my love for them is, other day I came across this Book Reading Challenge 2011by Book Readers Lounge, though I came to know about it very late, but as the theme was one of my favourites 'INDIA' I decided to mention about it. It can include any books with plot based in India, or any work of a writer  of Indian origin, so, I thought I would just list my favourite ones down here, don't have time to write a review so, I'll just quote some of my favourite sentences from that book or give a synopsis, or just give you one simple reason to read the book or the author


1) An Equal Music by Vikram Seth
I'll be biased and begin with my the favourite one... An Equal Music
Set in the background of three beautiful European cities...London, Vienna and Venice is this amazingly soul stirring musical love story which you might finish reading once, but, it will forever keep echoing into your mind like a beautiful piece of music....You may not like the story, you may not fall in love with the characters, but you won't be able to deny it's beauty. For me it's a personal treasure, in me personal copy, by the side of the poem written by the author addressing his partner, there is a sentence written by me in the honor of this beautiful book

" whenever I feel so very torn.... I come to you,

as you console me so beautifully... that I'm not the only one"

2) The Namesake by Jhumpa Lehri and the other likes (videshi stories of deshis)
Read it for the very feel of understanding the joy, the amusement and the inner conflict of adapting to a completely different culture and country. The silent and unacknowledged pain of being uprooted and then    re-rooted to a place where you actually don't belong to. This very work of hers represents not only her other works like Unaccustomed Earth but also, works of many other abroad settled Indian authors whose work are mostly based on the torn feeling of belonging and not belonging to world....

3) Read Ruskin
I won't name a particular book of his, because they are so many and they are all so wonderful. He is one English man who is more Indian than anyone else I feel. \
Read his books, just for the joy of enjoying simplicity, there are hardly works in literature those are so simple and yet so successful.
Read his books to simply turn the pages in a lazy afternoon and laugh at his anecdotes.
Read his books to enjoy the beautiful summers of the hills of Himanchal.
 If you haven't read him yet, then you surely are missing something.
here is one of my favourite pieces written by him :
Remember the long ago when we lay together

In a pain of tenderness and counted
Our dreams: long summer afternoons
When the whistling-thrush released
A deep sweet secret on the trembling air;
Blackbird on the wing, bird of the forest shadows,
Black rose in the long ago summer,
This was your song:
It isn't time that's passing by,
It is you and I.

( that's all for now, have got much more to share, but the books are calling again and now I need to turn some pages....)

a yellow banyan leaf.....

A rainy grey may afternoon in ktm, nothing unusual about it, ktm has unusually rainy summers which everyone living here is quite used to. I sit by a table of this open cafeteria in this posh lane of embassies. Embassies of two massive empires stand here side by side, UK and India. I almost laugh at the irony, once upon a time, one of them was under the control of the other and now that one stands alone, independent and almost as mighty as the other one. Anyway lets get out of the politics, that's not my favourite topic . So,  I sit here alone and sip my coffee, utterly dark and sweetly bitter just like the day, waiting for a friend whom I haven't met in years.
The gathering on the next table gathers my attention too, it's a group of hippies sitting there, immersed in some serious talks it seems. I wonder how they manage to look alike, they are a complete community in themselves, they may not belong to same country, they may not speak the same language or follow the same religion but they all look so similar. I wonder how is it possible, then I get my answer by my own self, hasn't it been numerous times that people mistake me for my colleagues, just because of the same white coats that we wear, so, it's like if all the lawyers wearing their robe can look similar, all the doctors in their white coats can look similar then why can't all the hippies look same, with those same unkempt hair, those colorful tattoos, those worn out garments and most importantly with that 'I'm restlessly at peace' attitude. Frankly I envy them, I do, I just wish I had the same kind of attitude in me, who cares for the world.....all I want is my slice of peace !

 The fallen yellow leaves of banyan which stands across the road are happy with the drizzle it seems, they might be lifeless scientifically but it seems the drops of rain are providing them the final salvation, some them even manage to fly across the road when in between the drizzle strong breeze intervenes, and hit my table. And thus the memories start hitting me too, memories of people so fond of, of places so far off... my heart almost aches. I wonder at life's chameleon nature, always changing it's color. Just like the day today, it was a sunny morning to wake up to then some pleasant breeze to accompany while walking for the brunch and now it's a gloomy afternoon. Life which once had all the colors of rainbow, now looks like today's gray sky... which has nothing to ask for, nothing to look forwards too, nothing to wish for for and hardly anything to feel for.....so much like a fallen yellow leaf with last  few drops of rain on it......

simple sleepless night...

Sleep has been eluding me, a restlessness surrounds, I don't know the reason, or perhaps I know but don't want to admit... after continuously staring at the ceiling in the darkness and after a endless series of  tossing and turning on the bed I finally decided to give that crisp sheet some relief....and got up, walked to this chair....but nothing seems to be helping.  Even if I write it down here, it won't be of any help, but may be I just needed a space to vent it out, the good thing about writing on a blog is, even though your post may never be read or that page might never be visited, but you somehow feel like you are addressing an audience.... even though it's a mute audience, doesn't matter, it's human nature, we will do all the dramas only when we have got an audience, trust me... loneliness keeps us more sane..........
But anyway, time to go back to that messed up bed with a messed up mind....... if you ask me what I desire the most at this moment... I would say, I want to believe that there are angels up there, let one of them come to me, softly ruffle my hair and rub my hurting scalp and sing me a lullaby and put me to sleep...

ps- another wish i have....... wish there was a 'restore factory setting' mode for this mind/heart too ... life would have been so damn simple !( well, even though i'm not convinces about the last part..."life would..." but that's how i feel at this moment at least )

some secrets that hardly matter....

so we begin with 10 secrets..... well, 10 is a huge number and  do i really have 10 of them??? let's recall may be i'll discover some that i havn't shared with myself....

1.can't stand the sight of a caged bird..... reason... coz i'm scared of enclosed spaces... elevators can choke me

2. i'm one of the the most susceptible one for bed sores....trust me when i say "i am thaaat lazy"

3.i'm a gifted one when it comes to expressions.... in simple words..." i'm a chatter box"

4. pendulum can be my nickname ....making decision is my biggest fear... so on a dinner date never hand me the menu...

5. behind that ever cheerful face is a person who can and who often does cry buckets without letting anyone know that

6. nature has got quite a power over me, a dark day can make me gloomy, bright sun can cheer me up, moon works wonder on me, and stars are my true love...

7. people closet to me made me believe that i am not pretty while rest of the world told me the opposite...and thus i found the truth...i can luk pretty when i want to

8. i'm at my best when i've achieved my golden beam...i told you  "i balance"...( noone can define Libra better than me...)

9. "i'm gud at nothing" .... and nothing i do changes this thought ever

10. GOD is my best friend :)